Elie Berkowitz

Nothing.

2011-07-25T15:49:00.001-07:00

It's been almost 17 months since I've written anything. And that was all about feeling a lack of inspiration and having a difficult time creating. To be honest, I'm not sure what compelled me to sit down and write now. But the impulse arrived and I thought it was important to put something down before it dissipated. So here is your fair warning that this post will be about nothing.

I'm fascinated by the concept of Nothingness. It's the noun of the absence of Something. There's no feasible way to describe it, as there is, well, nothing to describe. So we created a placeholder. It's the lack of anything which is the substance of the word. Twisty, huh? The implications are pretty mind-bendy, too: what is Nothing, how do we quantify Nothing, how are we fully sure when Nothing has ended and given way to Something? There are no easy solutions to those first two questions, but the last has a very clear answer. Once anything has taken place, there is no longer Nothingness. But here's the really tricky part: Do we ever really know that there was Nothingness before Something has started to exist? The folks over at The Department of SmarterThanThou at Stanford have this to say. Take note of the Victor Hugo quote from that epic novel "Les Miserables Because Nothing Has Happened For the Last 1,000 Pages". I see what he's saying but I think it's fascinating that he has to use the word to explain his reasoning. And to further my point (thanks, Vic), he's absolutely right that "zero does not exist". There, too, we've invented a numeric placeholder for the lack of numbers. It's the mathematical equivalent of a void. And yet we need the language to describe it. "It", again, being the "lack of it". I know. Take a minute, do some brain mind calisthenics, mull it over, get back to me.

"Dear Elie, What in the hell are you are on about? Love, Everyone" Excellent question, Everyone. I promise there is a point here. Uncertainty has never been my strong suit. I'm notoriously anxious and uncomfortable without a clear plan. I don't do well without an organized vision of what's to come and a structure in which to operate. And yet, I'm learning to take great comfort in the Nothingness I've been feeling lately since it means there is only Something to look forward to. Certainly there is fear that it may take an unbearably long time to arrive; that from the lack of use the aptitude or even desire will atrophy. But I'm choosing to put faith in the instability and emptiness since everything must spawn from some point of creation and some spark of inception. So I'm focusing on the waiting. I'm reassuring myself that it will appear again. I'm surrounding myself with people and art and ideas that the challenge me. And I'm allowing myself a reprieve from the terror and doubt and confusion and pain of feeling unfulfilled. Because seeking an outlet for all of this pent up motivation that can't be accessed is exhausting. Hasn't this paradox been the plight of all creative-minded people for centuries? This struggle between needing to express and make and perform and execute and build and actualize, and the sometimes inability to locate any of the tools required to do so? I don't think it ever gets easier but I think the pressure I place on myself is something I can always control. Sometimes it's the only thing.

And thus, I'm embracing the Nothing.

On (or off) Creativity.

2010-04-21T15:28:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling really blocked lately. That's the only word that really comes to mind (which is either ironic or proof). I know it's trite. I know every "artist" feels this at some point. But that doesn't mean it isn't true. And it doesn't mean it doesn't suck.

It seems that the genre or category or medium doesn't matter; I've been feeling uninspired across the board. Graphic design, photography, writing (when was the last real update on this or any of my blogs?), even listening to music (not singing, mind you- just listening to my iTunes)- I'm just feeling unmotivated or uninterested or unable to get wrapped up in any of these things which used to keep me going. And the truth is that I miss them all. So it's not that I don't want to being doing these things, it's just that I can't seem to bring myself to do actually make them happen.

The logical next question is, of course, why. After all, it's hard to treat the problem before you diagnose it and then seek out its causes. Transition has a lot to do with it, I think. I've always had a hard time with change (which is funny considering it's been a constant part of my life) and this round is no exception. I spent the last year and a half moving every three months, waiting and pining for some normalcy; always looking ahead to that wonderful, necessary, distant time in the future when I'd be able to move back to New York and get back to my "real" life. Then, I was sure, everything would be sorted out: I'd have money, a great job, an amazing apartment, my incredible friends, a solid relationship and, more than anything, the stability I'd been missing for so long. On almost every one of those counts, I'm feeling at a loss.

This is not to say that I'm horribly depressed or that I hate anything about my life now. It's just that I had wildly inaccurate expectations for what my triumphant return would feel like. Far from sitting back and reaping the benefits of two years of hard work and sacrifice, I'm still very much paying my dues. And that debt is pretty large. So everything is a work in progress. And, as with so many other "side" interests, all things creative falls to the bottom of the list.

I remember watching Elizabeth Gilbert's TED talk last year and thinking it was moving, funny, accurate and helpful. [Note: I'm in the middle of her book Eat, Pray, Love at the moment (it was thrust upon be a friend who has read it several times and is a true believer) and I'm finding it mildly interesting. I think I get all I need from this seminar.] But also thinking, that doesn't relate to my life at all. It's fairly common to hear artists and creatives of all kinds speak to the issue of losing inspiration. But I think it's not something you can really understand until you're in it. Stuck in it. Mired in it. Engulfed, drowning, and lost, in it. Needless to say, I get it now.

The part that really speaks to me is her question about the impact our own creativity has on us. "The thing that I've been thinking about lately...is why. Is it rational, is it logical that anybody should be expected to be afraid of the work that they feel they were put on this Earth to do?" It's exactly that: we feel we've been intended to do this kind of work. It's so empowering to believe that we're destined to be artistic in this way. It's so vindicating! But more so, I think it's self-preservation. "What would I possibly do if I couldn't act or sing or paint or photograph?" "I'd be nothing without my art." "There is nothing else I can ever see myself doing." Think about the incredible risk we take by making (and believing! and living!) a statement like that. We have to believe it's our purpose or we'd never get out of bed in the morning.

But the other side of that is that we are afraid of it. We're terrified of it. It has such immense power over me that when it leaves I'm left with nothing. Without its inspiration, what am I? The inverse relationship is such that while I can't imagine doing anything else in my life other than being creative, when I'm not feeling creative I feel there's nothing I can do. And this leads to her notion that so many creative minds are "undone by their own gifts." She says that we've (collectively) accepted the fact that "creativity and suffering are, somehow, inherently linked". She talks about the likelihood that any work she puts out in the future will be judged on the basis that it came after her first, and incredibly successful, book. And thus, it's likely that her greatest success is behind her. And, as she puts, "this is the kind of thought that can lead a person to start drinking gin at 9 o'clock in the morning." So how, she wonders, can she keep doing this work that she loves?

That, to me, seems to be the crux of the whole issue. It's the struggle between doing what we have to (or need to) do and what we love to do. Often (hopefully!) they're the same thing. But frequently, they're not. And that is crushing. It's debilitating. And it's life. It's just the way it is. So in the midst of feeling this utter lack of inspiration, this absence of enthusiasm, this total apathy towards all things creative, I just have to keep on keepin' on. I have to force myself to fake it. I have to be inventive and prolific until I start believing it. And if I'm lucky enough to back to a place where that happens, I'll be thrilled to write about it, photograph it, design it and perform it. For now, I've got TV and cookies. Sigh.

Gaytred: TRMS Edition

2010-04-09T18:11:00.001-07:00

Gaytred: n. hatred of gays
Ex: I have a lot of gaytred towards Ugandans.

Let's just go to tape, shall we?

(Ps. I've been saying an update is coming for months. Um, yeah. So I'll just stop lying. I'll get to it when I get to it. Enjoy TRMS for now.)

New Year's Resolution: Failed.

2010-02-20T14:40:00.000-08:00

I swore I'd write more. I made plans and lists and diagrams and flow charts of the hilarious, witty, heart-warming things I'd type. Instead, I went here a lot. The truth is that a lot has happened since last I wrote. None of which I will you about now. But just today I discovered this gem. I tell you what is. Don't read this with a mouthful of liquid, when you're pressed for time or when you have no desire to laugh your ass off. It's painfully funny. You're welcome.

And so it is.

2009-12-27T11:17:00.000-08:00

I'm having a Brian day. I've gotten better about just identifying when the feelings come up and what mood they bring about. It's not exactly sadness and it's not totally grief anymore. There are components of both of those but it's much more than that. I think I've gotten to a place where I can recognize the emotions and just sit with them for a while. It's like putting on an old coat once in while. I don't have to wear it all day and I don't have to let it affect what else I wear (necessarily), but it definitely makes an impact on everything else. Where once it was all-consuming heartbreak, there are now fond memories mixed in with the sorrow. It's not easier or less painful, it just is. And that's okay. I'm learning to be let it just be. I'm having a Brian day.

Moving on again.

2009-12-09T11:13:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was tough. I was thankful to have a lot going on at the theatre in preparation for opening (tonight) so I was busy and distracted all day. In some ways that's unhealthy and I know it. On the flip side of that, it helped a great deal. Having not slept much Monday night the day finally caught up to me and I had a rough time of it last night after work. But that's okay. It was a day to mourn and remember and love and heal. I got a chance to speak (or type) with many people and it helped to know that we're all in this together and we're all there for each other. It was hard but today's a new day. Doesn't make it any easier, doesn't mean I miss B any less; just that things keep moving. So: I'm moving.

Tonight is opening! Exciting! Nerve-wracking! Busy! I had a huge to-do list yesterday and I got through most of it (see above). The bosses arrive any minute now and I got in early to finish up a few things and get settled before the rush. I'm proud to say it is now 1:18 pm (the shift starts at 5 tonight) and I'm 100% ready to go. Not that the bosses won't find ways to fill the next four hours with lots of minor tasks, but everything I needed to accomplish is finished. Including finding some shnazzy clothes for tonight. Shopping for events like this always makes me nervous but I think I'm happy with what I found. Pictures and reviews will follow so stay tuned. Happy Opening, y'all!

For Beef: One Year Later

2009-12-06T13:13:00.000-08:00

Remember this? I can't believe it's been a year. Truly. It seems like last week. I don't feel like much has changed and that's both good and bad. I think about him every single day and it still hurts the same. Physically hurts. It still keeps me awake some nights, I still have some days where I can't focus anything, suicide is still a topic I can't really handle. But on the flip side, I haven't forgotten him for one second. He's with me constantly and that's helpful. The mourning process is so personal and delicate and scary and unplanned. I remember wondering when it would get better or easier or less painful or more normal. The truth is it never will but it gets easier to keep going with life, I guess. I don't feel any better about it but I'm able to sleep through the night, eat a meal and go to work without falling apart. I guess that's progress.

The anger, hurt, shame, guilt and sadness are all still tangible and I wonder if they'll ever truly go away. Somehow, I doubt it. I keep trying to make a statement by doing lame things like changing my profile pictures, or updating statuses or writing blog posts (present entry included). To pretend like using the social media sites will make any kind of effective statement is a joke. But what else is there, really? I keep the leaflet from the funeral on my desk where I can see it every day. I go to visit him at the cemetery every time I'm home. I keep in touch with some better more just to let them know I'm thinking about them and they're important to me. But all of those gestures feel just as shallow as updating "ELIE IS... thinking about Brian." I have to stop focusing on trying so hard to make a difference and just let myself feel these emotions. And for being such an emotional person, I'm pretty bad at that.

I looked through all 1500 pictures I have on Facebook today trying to find a good one of me and Brian. There aren't any. We have about 15 where we're in groups with other people but nothing with just the two of us. It's such an trivial detail but it makes me realize how much I wish I'd spent more time with him. How much I wish I'd cultivated our individual friendship as opposed to feeling awkward when there wasn't a group around. It just makes me miss him.

So here we are. One year later and I'm back in the same city, alone, missing my friends and family, and spending the first anniversary by myself. So much has changed since last year but just for this moment, it feels like nothing's different. I'm trying to just allow myself to be okay with that. To not try and figure things out, or look towards the future to when I hope it will all be better. For the next couple days I just need to be sad. I'm allowing myself to give into the distraction, miss him like crazy and lie awake at night struggling with the confusion. I still haven't figured out what I want to do on Tuesday as a tribute, to remember and honor him; but I know I want to do something. And I know I want to spend most of the day on the phone with the people I love. I'm still so grateful to so many people for their help and support over the past year. I'm quite sure I wouldn't have been able to get through it without you all.

Brian- I miss you and I love you. I'm sad for you and I'm sad for us. We think about you all the time and we talk about you constantly. You will never be forgotten and I hope, in some small way, this is easier for you. Thank you for being such a great friend and for everything you gave me in the short time I had the pleasure of knowing you. You have touched my life in so many ways and you will always be with me. All my love- E.

A Letter to the 7 NYS Democratic Senators Who Betrayed Us

2009-12-02T16:35:00.001-08:00

To: addabbo@senate.state.ny.us, kruger@senate.state.ny.us, diaz@senate.state.ny.us, shuntley@senate.state.ny.us, monserra@senate.state.ny.us, onorato@senate.state.ny.us, stachows@senate.state.ny.us
From: Elie Berkowitz

As a Democrat, a Gay-rights supporter, the family member of someone who is out and proud to be who they are, as a New Yorker, a friend, a brother, a son, as an equal member of this democracy, as a citizen of this country, as someone who believes in equality for every single person regardless of anything, as straight man, a tax-payer, an employee, an employer, as a fighter, a believer, a helper, a supporter, as, above all else, a Human...

I'm writing to tell you how ashamed I am of all of you. It's disgraceful that you feel anyone should be denied any equal right or opportunity. We, as a country, have come through so much only to fail at the hands of your misguided views. While I want to feel sorry for being all of those things above, what I feel is hope. I feel hopeful that you will one day see how wrong you are. I know the day will come when our friends and neighbors and relatives and equals are given the same chance that you and I are. I look forward to the day when our victory is front page, relegating your hate to history.

Out of shame and disrespect,
Elie Berkowitz

Seriously MIA

2009-11-14T20:12:00.000-08:00

It's been almost two months since I last posted. Unacceptable, I know. At the moment I'm doing fifteen things at once so I don't have time to really write. Shocker, I know. The last week has been completely consumed by one thing and one thing only. Awesome, I know. There will be a full report coming soon, I promise. Until then, ponder how insanely perfect all these people are. It's scary amazing, isn't it?

Museum Mile

2009-09-22T20:58:00.000-07:00

Howdy! It's been a while and this is, by no means, an update on my life but it's an experience I wanted to share. Last week there was "Teacher Open House" Day at several San Francisco museums. My mom, being a teacher, went to see the new exhibits, network with other educators and collect new teaching materials. I, being the son of a teacher, went to freeload and take advantage of getting in free. That's right, I love museums so much that I only visit them when they're free. I support them in theory and save my hard-earned money for the gift shops. I really enjoyed the day, however, and I thought I'd "review" here. If you hate art and history and exhibits about art and history, tune out now.

First stop: Cartoon Art Museum. Whoever had the idea to hang cartoons on the wall and charge admission is a thief and a genius. Seriously, this place is bomb. Their two biggest exhibits are, currently, "Once Upon a Dream: The Art of Sleeping Beauty" and "Monsters of Webcomics". I mean, come on! Just awesome! The first included work (unseen drawings, original sketches, color tests, rough drafts, etc.) from several very early Disney movies, not just Sleeping Beauty. Having just this Summer been confirmed as a Disnoid, I was beyond thrilled. I think Disney artwork is incredible and the early stuff is really fascinating. The rest of the (rather small) gallery was really fun and included a lot of political cartoons, classic comics, modern work, etc. Incredibly varied and incredibly fascinating. (Ps. The gift store is basically a glorified comic bookstore and who doesn't love looking around one of those once in a while. They had original Gumby dolls!)

In the same building three floors up is the GLBT Historical Society. I don't have much to say about it, the place was a bit unorganized and confusing with only one exhibit that wasn't explained very well. We just took a very quick look and moved on. I was a little disappointed with it but whole-heartedly support the institution.

Directly underneath the GLBT offices is SF Camerawork (nerd alert: I really like their logo). As a photography-enthusiast, I was super psyched to find this place. The gallery (like most photography spaces) was pretty small and had a mix of works I really liked and really didn't care for. Several photographers really impressed me in particular and I want to introduce you all to Mark Citret (these photos are among the ones he has on display there but definitely check out some of the other pages), Christina Koci Hernandez (again, this shot really amazed me but look at some of her others as well), Michael Rauner (click "The Visionary State", then the image of the book on the left, "11-15" for some of the ones he had on display), and Dan Nicoletta (of "Milk" fame). The selection really inspired me and got me itching to pick up my camera again. I guess that's the point of art, right?

Around the corner and down the block is SF Moma which is one of my favorite museums in the whole world. I can't really explain why, except that I have a lot of great memories of visiting and I'm always inspired by the architecture and often (though not always) by their exhibits. I snapped this shot on my phone looking up the staircase to the second floor. I'm not sure what the piece is on the back wall but it reflected beautifully on the walls and the whole thing represents why I love the museum. There was a small reception (free food!) for teachers upstairs which we stopped into but didn't stay long. We also didn't explore any of the current exhibits since we were pressed for time. We did, however, spend quite a while in the gift shop downstairs which gives new meaning to merch. If I could move into their store, I totally would. It's amazing.

Right across the street is Yerba Buena Gardens which houses a multi-building complex. We walked through Yerba Buena Center for the Arts (sweet logo) and I had mixed feelings about it. We saw an exhibit called "Wallwo rks" (bomb-ass logo!). These pieces are HUGE. Like mind-blowingly huge. Two-story high, city-block long, have-to-back-up-as-far-as-possible-to-see-it-all huge. Some are amazing (see left), some are weird. None has any information posted about it. Instead you have to pick up a gallery guide (which they don't explain) with confusing reviews and artist bios. The one I (illegally) snapped to the left (no pictures allowed!) is called "Display of Properties" by Leslie Shows and it is incredible. The top is a row of blank white flags and "dripping" down the wall are elements of flags from different countries (colors, patterns, insignias, etc.). I think the concept is amazing and there's so much to see you can't help but just sit back and soak up the colors. This other piece is called "Post-Perfect" by Odili Donald Odita and it's not nearly as interesting or thought-provoking as the last. What caught my eye is the fact that it's "stashed" behind the stairs. I was much more invested in setting up this picture to capture all the different textures you see when looking up at the staircase. Truly, the choice of placement on this back wall is more exciting than the piece as a whole. I think YBCA has an amazing space (three actual galleries, two media screening rooms, two floors and several hallway spaces) and the potential for really engaging works but this exhibit, as a whole, missed the mark.

The last stop on (and initial impetus for) the day was the Contemporary Jewish Museum (I like their logo, as well). The current exhibit is a retrospective of Maurice Sendak's work. If you don't know who he is, you need to. His most famous work is "Where the Wild Things Are" but he's done much more than just that during his incredibly long career. To start with, the CJM is a beautiful museum. It's relatively new (just a few years old) and I hadn't been yet so I'm glad I got a chance to check it out. The building itself has an old brick facade with exposed steel beams inside. Jutting out of the left side and top of the building is a blue metal structure which intersects the rectangular brick architecture at a somewhat jarring angle. The meshing of old and new, expected materials and surprising ones, classic shapes and modern pieces makes the whole place very visually interesting before even seeing a single exhibit. On the back wall of the lobby is a massive fluorescent light display which, on first glance, seem to be placed at random. In fact, they're four huge slanted Hebrew letters which spell out the word "pardes" which means orchard. And in special recognition of Sendak, they have many of his drawings on walls all over the museum which creates a fun hide-and-seek element to the whole experience. Clearly a lot of thought and planning went into the design of the museum and it doesn't go unnoticed. The CJM hosted a reception (free booze!) to introduce all the educators to the museum staff who then led guided tours of the exhibit. I broke off on my own and explored the gallery by myself.

The exhibit is truly incredible and if you will be anywhere near the Bay Area in the next few months, go see it! "Where the Wild Things Are" has always been one of my favorite books and I really enjoyed learning more about both the story and the author. The exhibit was beautifully curated and from start to finish. My favorite part of all was right by the front door (one of the first and last places you pass) where they have most of Sendak's books hanging on the wall like pieces of art. Directly beneath these is a table with copies of all these same books which can be read. The presentation of these same items as both works of art and nostalgic childhood stories is brilliant and inspiring. I think every artist hopes their work is accessible on many levels. Throughout the several galleries, I learned that Sendak was born and raised on the Lower East Side during WWII and faced childhood illness, the death of siblings early in his life and the loss of family in the Holocaust. All of these things affected him deeply and play into his stories to this day. He started by drawing the scenes he saw out his window (he spent months cooped up inside daydreaming and cartooning due to disease) and his work has always had a melding of the mundane and fantastical. The exhibit's introduction explains that from the very beginning of his career he has held that "a child's full range of emotions, from confusion to isolation to joy, must be portrayed, no matter how uncomfortable this might be for adults...To Sendak, childhood can be messy, but there are important truths in the logic children use to cope with reality. As Sendak playfully puts it, 'We make up things that mean things...That's how you get through life... You make it up.'" Balancing out the amount of make-believe in his work, is his application of very real aspects of the world. One description explained that "Sendak uses newspaper headlines to strategically remind readers that children face harsh lives and real suffering throughout the world." This constant juxtaposition is what makes his stories and drawings so multi-faceted.

Sections of the exhibit include:
Angels and Devils "His devils take on various shapes and guises, and are often captivating, even beautiful creatures, while also appearing as the scary demons of legend. Sendak likes to blur the lines between tidy categories of good and evil, asking his readers to find the beautiful in his devils, and the clumsy and fraudulent in his angels."
Sendak and Reality "He once hinted that fantasy is useless if its not true to all forms of childhood experience: 'There have to be elements of anxiety and mystery in truthful children's books...What I don't like are formless, floating fantasies. Fantasy makes sense only if it's rooted ten feet deep in reality.'"
"Ungovernable" Emotions "'What interests me,' Sendak once said, 'is what children do at a particular moment in their lives when there are no rules, no laws, when emotionally they don't know what is expected of them.' He has called the emotions that arise in such moments 'ungovernable,' suggesting children's struggle fro master over their feelings. Sendak's book illustrations include as many sulking, moody, tantrum-throwing children as they do smiling, cavorting misfits; his works explore the melancholy of city kids troubled by fears of abandonment, jealousy, and sibling rivalry."

The section called Paragons discusses how Sendak found inspiration above all else from Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, William Blake and Herman Melville. It explains that he felt "their works is already so layered with mean that his own interpretation would hold no mystery or interest." This fascinated me because we rarely hear an artist (of any medium) describing the personal limitations of his chosen profession. The humility and grace with which he respects his icons is incredibly heartening.

Quotes throughout explain that Sendak was always inspired by live theatre and hoped to work in the business. Aside from having several of his works turned into plays, musicals and operas, he has designed sets for many productions around the world. "I think there was a time when I thought of everything as a theatre ." I love this idea because in a sense it's exactly how I see the world. He has collaborated with a wide range of professionals in the arts including Tony Kushner, Gregory Maguire, several opera and ballet companies in the United States and across Europe and the dance group Pilobolus. It really amazed me how much this children's author had worked in so many media with so many other people and how much his work speaks to people on so many different levels.

At the very back of the gallery is a huge timeline spanning his life, ending in modern day (he's still alive and working). Next to the line marking 2008 is a brief mention that Sendak came out publicly last year when his partner (which whom he'd been living for more than 50 years) died. I think it's incredible that at 80 years old he had the confidence to let the New York Times know who he really was and prove that it's never too late to do anything in your life. I was also really impressed that the exhibit didn't make a big deal about his being gay because that's not what it's about. A brief mention seems perfectly appropriate.

My favorite anecdote describes his old, Jewish relatives "with yellow eyes and teeth and hair growing out of every hole on their faces" who would descend on their house for dinner when Maurice was a little boy. They were all so loud and angry and hungry that he was afraid if his mother didn't get dinner on the table fast enough they'd eat everything in the house and then eat him. Years later, these relatives would be represented as the Wild Things.

The man is truly a legend and inspires me in so many ways. It was so great to rediscover some favorite books and explore some new ones. Props to the CJM for housing this exhibit which I know will stick with me for a very long time. It was the perfect ending to a lovely day and (on a grander scale) helped me feel a little less downtrodden, as I have been the last few weeks. I'm a total nerd for museums and I'm glad I got my fix!

"Stop. Stop hurting America."

2009-08-14T22:18:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure if I've posted this before but even if so it deserves a second (or seventh or twelfth) viewing. It's one of my favorite videos of all time and I just found it again. He's not only one of the funniest comedians on television but he's brilliant to boot. Total bromance.

A fresh coat of paint.

2009-08-14T02:13:00.000-07:00

By now you've noticed that the blog looks different. What do you think? Too bright? Too dark? Too busy? I'd been feeling bored with the old layout for a while and I finally did something about it. In the process I accidentally, frustratingly and painstakingly slowly taught myself some valuable HTML coding and I'm proud to say I customized almost everything about the new template myself. I threw the header together today and I'm pretty happy with how it turned out. But more than anything else, I'm incredibly proud of my new favicon. In case you didn't notice (or don't know what a favicon is), this is what it looks like. I made that! And got it to work! Whatup! Let me know your thoughts on the new spread and feel free to hate it. Thanks for checking in!

This entry brought to you by the letter 'K'.

2009-08-07T18:40:00.000-07:00

K is for Ketchup.
K is for Kale.
K is for (Rice) Krispies.

K is also for Kosher. All the aforementioned foods are Kosher. Do you know why? I'll tell you! Because they are meat-free. While this is an over-simplified explanation of Kashrut, it's a good rule of thumb to remember.

I spend an incredible amount of my time explaining Kashrut to those who don't understand it. ("Kashrut" is the actual noun referring to the set of laws as a whole. "Kosher" is the adjective given to foods which fit those rules.) I don't mind this, at all, in fact I kind of like it. It is different and I'm happy and even excited to enlighten others about this part of my life. Regardless of the number of lessons I give my friends, however, most still can't keep it clear. I thought I'd set the record straight and please feel free to ask questions if anything still doesn't make sense.

There are many different forms of Kashrut but they all stem from actual laws in the Torah. These were interpreted and redefined (like everything in the Torah) by rabbis in every generation (including our own). This means that the laws are still changing and being examined, but more on that later. Also, certain animals are Kosher and many are not, but this is only part of the equation; there are also rules about slaughter, preparation and pairing of foods. The basic laws pertain only to meat. Mammals must chew their cud (part of the digestion process, kinda gross) and have split hooves. They must also be healthy at the time of slaughter. Birds of prey are not Kosher. Fish must have fins and scales.

For meat to be considered Kosher it must be killed painlessly (usually one slice to the jugular which kills the animal instantly) so the animal feels no pain. Blood, the lifeforce of all creatures, is not for human consumption so all blood must be removed during preparation. This is acheived through a process of salting the meat which soaks out the blood, is then washed away and repeated several times. This explains why Kosher meat is so high in Sodium but also much cleaner. In terms of consumption, the Torah says not to cook a kid (baby goat) in its mother's milk, also to save the animals from cruelty. In biblical times this was easy to avoid but since we don't know where our meat and milk come from these days (or if the milk is even from one singular animal), the ruling was widened to exclude eating any meat and milk together at all so as to avoid breaking this rule (complicated, for sure, but we Jews like to make sure we don't break any laws even accidentally). While this all might seem rather complicated, it's really pretty simple on a cooking/eating/consumption level: animals are inherently okay or not okay, no meat and milk together. That's pretty much it. (There are, of course, exceptions to these rules which I'll explain later.)

In terms of practice, I can only speak to my personal rules which come from my parents. It's truly different for everyone, but I'll tell you what we do. When I said that there are different "forms" of keeping Kosher I mean that, like most things Jewish, different people have different customs or levels of observance. Some people call themselves practicing or religious Jews but don't keep Kosher at all. Some people won't eat anything they don't prepare themselves. Some people need everything to be hechshered (the OU or K symbols you're probably seen on many packages. My family is somewhere in the middle. So when I said that Kashrut refers to meat only, I should change that to say that's all that my family personally adheres to and others follow more complicated rules. I often tell people I'm "functionally vegetarian" and by this I mean I spend 95% of my time as a vegetarian (actually pescetarian). I'll eat Kosher meat whenever it's available but since it rarely is I generally just ask for vegetarian options since there's nothing that a vegetarian would eat that's a problem for me. (I said pescetarian because one of the exceptions to the rule is that fish is actually not considered meat and therefore can be eaten out in restaurants and with dairy; a tuna sandwhich with muenster is my favorite!).

With me so far? No? Don't worry, few people really get it. Now for the much harder question: why do I follow this convoluted series of rules? I'm reading A.J. Jacobs's book The Year of Living Biblically which is fascinating and I recommend it to everyone (also his first, The Know-It-All, which I also loved). In one section talking about prayer he's talking about thanking God for the food he's about to eat:

"'I'd like to thank God for the land that he provided so that this food might be grown.' Technically, that's enough. That fulfills the Bible's commandment. But while I'm in thanksgiving mode, I decide to spread the gratitude aroud: 'I'd like to thank the farmer who grew the chickpeas for this hummus. And the workers who picked the chickpeas. And the truckers who drove them to the store. And the little old Italian lady who sold the hummus to me at Zingone's deli and told me "Lots of love." Thank you.' Now that I type it, it sounds like an overly earnest Oscar speech for best supporting Middle Eastern spread. But saying it feels good...The prayers are helpful. They remind me that the food didn't spontaneously generate in my fridge. They make me feel more connected, more grateful, more grounded, more aware of my place in this complicated hummus cycle. They remind me to taste the hummus instead of shoveling it into my maw like it's a nutrition pill. And they remind me that I'm lucky to have food at all. Basically, they help me get outside of my self-obsessed cranium."

While he's talking about praying and thanking God for the food (before or after, depending on your religion), this reasoning applies to keeping Kosher as well. I do say a bracha (prayer) every time I eat which accomplishes the same goal but Kashrut is truly a way of life and it reminds me to be appreciative of all food and everything that goes along with it. Needing to avoid certain foods (meat is harder to avoid than you might think: there's chicken broth in EVERYTHING) requires me to stop and think about everything I eat. Also, I'm so incredibly excited every time I get to eat meat that it really is a special occasion every time. It sounds corny to say that I appreciate the sacrifice the animal has made so that I can eat it but it's true. Mindlessly eating meat with no understanding or regard for the animal feels wrong to me and that's why many Jews end up going vegetarian anyway. For me personally, I do think it's okay to eat meat but I like the built-in respect that comes with eating Kosher meat.

So. Did you get all that? Tricky, I know. The funny thing is that while I always say that it's pretty easy to understand and not terribly complicated, every time I start to explain it I remember how complex it actually is. A couple FAQs I thought might help:

Q. How do you keep it all straight?
A: It's second nature to me at this point since I've been doing it my entire life (truly since I was in utero).

Q: So you've NEVER had bacon??? (Note: bacon can be switched out for lobster, pork, cheeseburger, etc.)
A: Nope!

Q: But bacon (sub: lobster, pork, cheeseburger, etc.) is SO GOOD!!
A: But if I've never had it I don't know I'm missing so it's not like I'm wishing I could have it.

Q: Touche! So do you actually like it or just feel compelled to keep Kosher?
A: I do actually enjoy it for all the reason I mentioned above. Of my Jewish friends from home I'm just about the only one still keeping Kosher. I have family members who used to and don't anymore. People definitely go in and out of it. It's a very personal thing and I understand those who choose not to. But for me it's important so it really is my personal choice.

Q: What happens if you accidentally eat something not Kosher? Do you have to pray? Do you have to burn the food? Do you go to hell??
A: It happens all the time. Accidents occur pretty often. Nothing "happens". If you find out that it's not Kosher, stop eating it! No, you don't have to burn it or pray. Just don't eat any more and do your best to avoid it in the future.

Q: What accidents have you had?
A: When I was 9 I went to Camp Ramah (a Jewish sleepaway camp in Southern California) and there was a big mixup where chicken egg rolls were accidentally served with a dairy meal. Chicken salad is often served in place of tuna salad. Mexican rice (among other rice dishes) is often cooked with chicken stock even if it's called vegetarian because there's no "actual" meat in it. One fateful night at a Pasta Party, I was told an alfredo sauce was meat-free and found out it actually had bacon in it (you all know who you are...), but I tell you what, it was the best freakin' alfredo I've ever had.

Q: Have you ever intentionally broken?
A: Only once. Someone had gone so far out of their way to make a special dish for me that had Kosher meat and was cooked and prepared properly so I could have some meat along with everyone else. I found out that there was milk in the dish and I couldn't bring myself to embarass the cook or hurt anyone's feeling by not eating it. Again, best damn version of it I've ever had. And by the way, I still feel guilty about this but (in accordance with another important Jewish principle) I think letting the cook save face was more important.

Q: Come on, don't you just want to break it for like a week and try everything you've always wanted to?
A: Yes! Constantly! But I'd feel guilty forever since it would be solely for the purpose of breaking the rules. I can't say I won't some day feel that it's not important to me anymore. But for now, it is.

Q: Isn't it hard to find stuff to eat?
A: Not really. Not to say that I haven't had many, MANY meals at catered events consisting of salad and bread. But generally, there are so many options for vegetarians that it's not a problem. Also, people are so welcoming and considerate that I rarely ever have issues.

Thoughts? Questions? Concerns? Comment it up! I'm happy to explain more and explain better. Happy eating!

ed: Wikipedia has a pretty comprehensive explanation of everything if you're interested in reading more. Even I learned something!

Media Coverage

2009-07-29T21:53:00.000-07:00

This is a bit late (okay, two months late) but I still think it's cool and I want to give a shout out. Brahoney, one of my closest friends with ties to both sides of the country (we know EVERYONE in common), is a blogger extraordinaire and I wish I had his dedication. It's always a joy to read what he has to say and he's incredibly creative with his posts. When I grow up I hope to blog like him.

A couple months back he emailed a bunch of us and said he'd like us to fill out the questionnaire that Playbill.com uses on their site. He's running a mini version of what they do with his group of friends as the "celebrities". Cool, right? I'm tellin' you, he's a smart kid. I was so psyched about the idea that I answered the email on the spot and sent it off immediately (I'm still working on that whole "waiting a while to make it seem like you're not overly-excited and keeping your cool" thing). Well, wouldn't you know it, I was the first one featured! Just thought I'd link back to it. Yeah, I'm just that nerdy and self-aggrandizing that I'm pimping my own interview on a friend's blog. Deal with it!

link Cue & A: Elie Berkowitz

In transition.

2009-07-28T00:40:00.000-07:00

My god, it's been a long time since I posted. I've been so crazy busy since I last wrote (3 states!) and I just haven't had the time or brain capacity or stamina or emotional preparedness to update. I still don't have any of those things but I'll bring you up to speed.

Dirty Dancing ended. I really can't believe it. It's been a major part of my life for over a year now and it's over. There were (and still are) a lot of emotions surrounding the whole experience and the fact that it's over but I truly wouldn't trade it. I met some incredible people, lived in three awesome cities, reconnected with old friends, added some helpful skills to the resume, made some valuable contacts, bought an unbelievable number of DVDs I don't need and learned a whole freakin' lot about myself. It was by no means all good times, but overall I'm so glad I did it. But, onward and upward...

New York was amazing. One of the best weeks of my life. There was a whole of awful shit that went down towards the end but it didn't tarnish the stellar time I had before that. There's a WHOLE lot that I won't write about here (for many different reasons) but suffice it to say it was a growing experience in many ways. Spent some solid quality time with the F4, got in some kick-ass (literally) classes at NYSC, did a lot of drinking, got to see almost everyone I needed to, and played some award-quality rounds on Guitar Hero. Oh, and above all else, SOS finally began. (Miss you, Betrothed!)

In between LA and New York there was a brief few days at home (sleep, beach, laundry) and a few more after I got back from the East Coast (more sleep, more laundry, 24 season 7). Before I could even unpack from two months down south, I repacked for a month in Seattle. After a quick flight up to Washington, I got to see KCanny after more than two years apart. She picked me up at the airport and graciously agreed to let me stay with her for the whole time I'm here. That is amazing and I'm so greatful. Unfortunately, I arrived in Seattle to some pretty bad news. We ended up getting here a full week early and we've been doing a whole lotta nothin'. Luckily, BM and NE were in town this weekend for a wedding and I suddenly had lots of time to spend. We drank an incredible amount, ate some stellar Seattle cuisine, sailed around the Sound and visited Pier 70, the site of The Real World: Seattle. I'm glad they were here and we got to spend so much time together. Truly some of my favorite people in the world.

That's the past month in a nutshell. It's been a real whirlwind and it's only just beginning. Once the show ends here in three weeks I have no idea what I'm doing. Good times! The show starts previews tomorrow and I'm excited to finally see it and be a part (in a very small way) of a brand new show. I'll do my best to update more often. Seattle, over and out.

"Waiting begets Nothing."

2009-06-19T21:09:00.000-07:00

I had the pleasure of meeting KH for drinks last night after the show just to catch up and spend some time together before the show ends next week (I can't believe it!). She told me about her experience working with an afterschool program in South Central LA and the incredible students she met which reminded me how lucky I am to have so much theatre in my life. She compared the school to a prison and said she simply doesn't understand how any of them gets up and goes to school every morning. After working with the group (of about 35) she was so inspired personally that she wrangled a donation of tickets to the show for the whole group and a bus to transport them. The kids came last Sunday night and stayed after the show for a talk-back. The most incredible part was that none of them had ever experienced live theatre before.

KH came to me to ask for some merch to give the kids and got signed posters from stage management and T-shirts from wardrobe so that each kid left with something tangible to remember the night. She told me that after weeks of talk-backs with groups from private arts school this was incredibly eye-opening for everyone. To hear regular people (and especially straight guys) talk about dancing and performing as a living was literally life-changing for them. One girl who showed particular talent had the chance to audition for KH and the new musical theatre program at Texas State University and was propmtly accepted. The company has been coming together to donate money for her scholarships and they've almost entirely covered her tuition. This makes her one of two from this particular group going to college and the only one pursuing theatre. The arts programming I've had in my life is truly a gift and I forget how much I need to appreciate it. It's so easy to take for granted and stories like this are a blessing. It truly inspires me to keep working and help in giving back to those who don't have the access I've had.

On the walk back to the parking lot I asked if I could pick her brain about getting started in the industry and she very graciously explained what she thinks is most important to do as a new performer. By this I mean the ten minutes that followed blew my mind. She said she feels that the first step is figuring out where your market really is. She clarified that this means that New York and Los Angeles are by no means the only places to grow creatively in this country. In fact, because of the ever-present financial constraints in the industry, those two cities are often among the least creative cities for a performer. Her strongest recommendation was not to wait around for the opportunities to come to you. "Make art happen for yourself." Being proactive in advancing your career (and this applies to any field, of course) will bring possibilities to you. Working, creating, performing in any capacity (in small theatre, in readings, as an audition reader, in your own living) is the first step towards bigger chances. The bottom line is that Broadway is by no means the be-all and end-all for actors. We often feel that it is but she expressed that if we really ask ourselves what it is about that world that appeals to us, the ugly truth is that want the bragging rights. All we really want is to prove wrong everyone who ever told us we'd never make it. But do they even remember who we are? And will it really make as great an impact on them as we'd like it to? Certainly not. The need for that attention and respect and adoration is purely selfish and negates the creative process almost entirely. If given the chance to play a dream role in a small regional theatre elsewhere in the country or a very minor supporting or ensemble character in New York, which would you rather choose? Feeling creatively fulfilled beats a Broadway credit any day. And considering that she's somewhat of a theatre legend it's incredibly refreshing to hear this kind of talk from someone of her calibur. I left feeling more inspired than I can express.

So with 12 and a half shows left before this year wraps up, I'm looking towards the future and feeling excited again about theatre. I miss it and I can't wait to get back to it. Here's to no more waiting.

Check it.

2009-06-06T15:00:00.000-07:00

There's nothing to even say about this video. "Appalling" doesn't even come close.

I have plenty to say about this video. "Hilarious" doesn't even come close.

A Gaythering Storm from Jane Lynch

Donating Time and Money, Or: How I Learned to Start Listening to Street Petitioners

2009-06-02T21:55:00.000-07:00

Walking near the beach today (oh yeah, I found the beach), we found us some Jamba Juice (I found Jamba too) and we were soaking up the sun and fruit and warmth and friendship when a ringing "Do you have a moment to fight..." cut through the joy and brought us crashing back down to Earth. Nothing I hate more than petitioners on the street bugging me about starving children or the disappearing atmosphere or the genocide in random country #73. Today's annoying cause at the end of that sentence was "...Prop 8?" Without even thinking we both half-smiled and mumbled a vague "nothankssorrygoodluckdonthavetime". We took another three steps and realized... wait, we do care about fighting Prop 8. There was another girl right in front of us who asked the same question and we both shouted, a little too-eagerly, "YES, WE DO!!" As she tried not to look started by our inappropriately-excited response and yet overjoyed that someone had actually stopped to listen, I turned around to apologize to the first guy and explain that it took us a minute to process what he'd said. He seemed slightly jealous that she'd lured in fresh blood and yet humble enough to appreciate that we were signing up for his cause and it didn't really matter who actually held the clipboard while we signed.

The girl who we spoke with explained about Equality California and the grassroots movement fighting Prop 8 and the Supreme Court's decision, last week, to uphold the law which passed in November. While her pitch wasn't perfect (it sounded like she was spitting out a memorized speech rather than just talking to us, she was a bit too pushy about the whole thing, she explained that no amount was too small to donate but then pushed me to increase my monthly donation, when asked about a website she discouraged us from using it in order to "play up the impact of the street team", no literature to take with us...), I decided this was my chance to get involved. I've been trying since November to find some way of really making an impact and while I don't think this is it, it's a start. I signed up for a small monthly donation and I hope to increase it when I can afford more. There's no question that they need the funds but I feel like this is cheating a bit. I want to do more.

DYC and I have had several conversations about how most gay people I know are less fired about on a day-to-day basis than straight people who believe in marriage equality. I don't mean to imply that my gay friends don't care or that they're willing to give up or even sit around passively; I just know that I feel violent about the whole thing and I've yet to have a discussion with a gay friend or family member who has done anything but calmly accept the decision and pacifistically look to the future. I've written before about how angry I am and how helpless I feel. This gives me some amount of hope that I can get involved and be a part of the solution.

I registered with the EQCA website tonight as a volunteer and I'm hoping they call me. If anyone else knows about other ways to get involved please let me know. I'm tired of being told that this is "the Civil Rights movement" of our generation. It's 2009 and the state of Iowa has already allowed it. Shape up, California.

Update: LA-style

2009-05-27T13:15:00.000-07:00

It's been 24 days since I've posted and I'm sorry. Life in LA is completely different than anything else I've experienced this year and part of that is being too busy to update the blog. Everyone said they thought LA would be the pinnacle of the tour for us (biggest houses, highest merch sales, rave reviews, etc.) but I was always skeptical. Turns out we're both right. Here's the deal:

Housing: Kaitlin H, who is so wonderful and somehow miraculously swoops into my life every time I have a problem, hooked me up with a friend of hers who has a gorgeous house in Sherman Oaks. I have my own room and bathroom plus there's laundry, a pool, a huge kitchen, several living rooms... It's really a beautiful house and pretty close to everything. It's also significantly less than all of the company housing options. Sweet for saving money and living in a bomb house!

Car: Jamie rented me his second car crazy cheap and it's awesome. Bright red Ford Mustang convertible with a killer sound system and the car is lowered. Definitely a fun car to drive. Also insanely cheaper than the car rentals the company is using.

Show: Dear God. The first two and a half weeks were very nearly sold out every show. This means 2700+ merch-hungry women who actually fit our sizes and don't care about the prices. Welcome to LA. Our sales are off the charts. I can't even describe how insane it's been. We spend the whole show recovering from the last sales period, refolding and restocking the booth and trying to mentally prepare ourselves for the next round of ass-kicking while crying and eating candy to make the pain go away. I wish I was exaggerating. Don't get me wrong, it's always better when sales are huge. I'm happy, the sellers are happy, the bosses are happy... It's just a lot of work for everyone and it's EXHAUSTING. I hear that these first few weeks have been subscription-based tickets and now it's open to single-ticket buyers and so houses have dropped quite a bit. We'll see what this means for our sales. My feeling is that if the subscribers (who are at the show because they have the tickets and not because they love DD) are buying merch like crazy, the smaller houses of rabid DD fans will buy just as much. I hope I'm right.

Friends: I have some! And what a difference it makes. It's been really great to catch up with some old friends from home whom I haven't really seen very much over the past few years. Also, this means my copious downtime with this job isn't spent alone in my apartment. So much better!

Design: I've been working on the pitches for the new merch lines for Catch Me If You Can the Musical and The Addams Family musical. I've been having a blast designing the new items with complete creative freedom. Whether or not the ideas and items get used or produced the process has been really cool.

Next up: Nothing is 100% sure yet, but I'll be going up to Seattle to do the 3-week out-of-town tryout of Catch Me. It's probably just going to be me for the merch (no sales staff or assistant) but I'm excited to see the show, explore Seattle and catch up with KCanny! This will also give me some more time at home before and after to see my family and friends and figure out what I'm doing next.

That's the scoop. Somehow I've found time to catch up on the season finales of all the shows I've been watching and even start some new series. Sadly I've been neglecting Filmibuster a bit but I'll get back to it, I promise. Pho has been going strong and we're kind of in the home stretch, so keep checking that. More info coming soon. Thanks for reading!

Note: The California Supreme Court voted yesterday to uphold Prop 8. Although the 18,000+ marriages that took place will remain vaild, I think the decision is appalling. If anyone has information about renewed efforts and campaigns please let me know how best to get invovled.

Root, root, root!

2009-05-03T16:49:00.000-07:00

My dad and I had killer seats at the Giants game today. Here's the
view from seventh row, just behind third base. Many a foul ball came
close but, alas, we caught none. Good thing we had beer and garlic
fries to help with the pain!

Tech-savvy.

2009-04-26T11:10:00.001-07:00

I'm posting this by email from my phone! Neato! I know I need to
update about what's actually happening in my life (betcha can't guess
what state I'm in!) but for now I wanted to test this out. For now,
enjoy this ePost. More coming soon.

Sent from my iPhone

Bittersweet.

2009-04-16T13:18:00.000-07:00

I left Boston! Don't get me wrong, I had a great time there. It's a cool city with a lot of history and I did have fun with everyone who came to visit. But it was time to go. I'm now back in New York. This I'm excited excited about.

As soon as I got back to New York, I met my betrothed to grab the keys and cabbed off to her place in Crown Heights. Upon leaving said cab, I left my phone on the backseat. This I'm not excited about.

Last night was a small dinner party with M, D and A with lots of wine and amazing food and many laughs and ice cream sundaes. Good times.

I'm not sitting in the Apple Store Soho having just shelled out an incredible amount of money for a new phone. I filed a complaint with 311 and the TL&C which has not proven helpful at all. I've been calling the police precincts Lost Property numbers nonstop also with no luck. They say it could be another six days before anything gets turned in and I can't be without a phone that long. I knew that Apple Care doesn't cover loss or theft but I was unaware that AT&T won't offer any help at all. Actually, technically, that's not true. They "allowed" me to renew my contract for another two years and charged me not the "Full" price for the phone, just the "retail" price. Granted it's a difference of $200 but I'm still pretty upset. AVH did some detective work and found this which should instill confidence and joy in all iPhone users. All of this: nay excited.

So, to sum up:
NY: excited
lost phone: not excited
time with friends (lots more to come): excited
AT&T: not excited

Who let the dogs out?

2009-04-07T00:31:00.000-07:00

Yo homedawgs. I don't have much to say, just wanted to let you know that I'm still around. Life has been crazy and it's not going to stop any time soon. I found me a place to live in LA which is important and exciting and I've already started packing. Next up:

1. DC (Remember Buddy?)
2. NYC (Ha!)
3. Minneapolis (It's snowy there? I don't know.)
4. Home Nnot my dogs, just looked homey)
5. LA (What I'll look like on the beach)

Stay tuned, I'll update about all those things as they happen.

Ps. It was dog-themed tonight. I don't know why.
Pps. "You're so wise. You're like a miniature Buddha. Covered in hair."

On Performing

2009-03-29T15:12:00.000-07:00

I done sang my song in front of the scary audience people! And it wasn't even so bad! I felt the all-too-familiar nerves right before walking out on stage and straight up decided not to give in. I'm so used to getting nervous and freaked out and letting it wash over me and just sitting into it and losing control. And then I spend the whole performance/audition/monologue/song/speech/presentation worrying and worrying about worrying and not focusing at all on what I'm doing. Well this time I kicked that anxiety right in the face and made a choice to sing. I always thought it was so weird when seasoned performers talk about their intense stage fright but now I get it. Talent, preparedness, ability, confidence... these things have nothing to do with it. They help, don't get me wrong. But they don't dictate the end result. The truth is I'm just out of practice. It's been several years since I performed in front of people and stretching that muscle makes you sore just like any other. The clarity that came with taking a deep breath and just fucking DOING IT was so satisfying. I'd be lying if I said I thought it went perfectly and I'm reluctant to watch the video because I know I'll pick it apart. But I was able to get through it and actually enjoyed myself and that means something. Suck on it, vampire!

Here's to the unknown.

2009-03-23T01:09:00.000-07:00

It's currently 4:09am. I'm still awake. I'm exhausted, and jittery and restless and nervous and anxious and excited and scared. Tomorrow (today) is the DD cast benefit concert and I'm singing publicly. I've gone over my song about 9,000 times so I know all my words and I've rested my voice all week so I can hit my notes and I've picked out and washed my clothes so I look spiffy. Now I just need to make my heart (and head) stop racing and get some sleep and I'll be good to go. I think this is one of those things I just need to do and experience and I'll be able to look back on it and feel prepared for the next time. I'm trying to appreciate the clarity that comes with knowing that but I'm still freaking out. I have those moments a lot, where I get really nervous about doing something new and I imagine myself looking back on it after I've done it. I remember going into the studio for Flungus and thinking "There's no way I can record a soundtrack! I'm not talented enough, I can't hit these notes, I can't put enough meaning into this while singing to have any emotion come across." And you know what happened next? Well, next I crashed my car into a phone pole and almost ran off a cliff. But after that I thought, "the worst has happened and now I know what this experience is like. I can totally do this again because it's not new and unknown anymore." Good advice, self.

I hope this is inspiring to someone because I'm still feeling panicky.

What!

2009-03-19T16:56:00.000-07:00

A random Google search of my name (it's a long story, I don't usually Google myself (awkward)) turned up this. Curious to know who in the film industry shares my name, I clicked on it and found it... it's me! How crazy! "Jokes With No Punchlines" is an NYU student film I did last year and I guess the director listed it on this site? Obviously this is the start of my massive stardom so it's been nice knowing you all. Later suckers!

It's about time.

2009-03-17T16:18:00.001-07:00

Alright, seriously. Who's in charge here? It's been more than a month and we want answers. STRIKE! STRIKE! STRIKE!

Um, hey. What's up? How are you? You good? That's good. I'm good too. I'm glad we're all good. A post? Yeah, I can do that. Sure. No big deal. Here goes.

Blog fail. I know. I'm sorry. What can I say? Beantown is CRAZY. I can't even express the extent of the insanity. I'm working all the time and when I'm not working I'm working. Life is so much better here than in Chicago but I'm just so busy I barely have time to think. Here's the rundown:

Work is great. ish. Depends what day you catch me on. Or what hour. I have a lot more control over what happens here which is really nice. The flip side of that is being directly responsible for everything. Which keeps me up at night. I'm selling here which I wasn't in Chicago and although I don't love everything about that, I admit it's nice to stretch those muscles again. I'm also SUPER looking forward to being done here because it means a nice long break (NYC! Minnesota! Home! Vegas!) and then LA which I'm beyond psyched about. The apartment here is expensive but nice, dependable, close and comfortable and the roommate situation is awesome. I've also been making more friends here and not spending every minute alone which makes a big difference!

Since we're so close to New York I've been down to visit several times over the last few weeks which has been really great. I took the bus once (Fail) and drove several times (FTW, Fail, FTW, FTW) and aside from hating the commute, it's actually been pretty easy to work it all out. I've also had people here to visit almost every week which is so incredible, I can't even express. AVH has been up a few times, my fam was here, my bro is here right now, the Bs were in... Amazing. I couldn't be happier.

Also... I'm performing. In public. Like... in front of people. And by "performing" I mean singing. And by "singing" I mean passing out from nerves. It's all going down here and if you're in the area this coming Monday night come watch me make a fool of myself!

Newest fad taking all my time and attention from actual things I need to be doing: Twitter. Seriously. It's bad. Having trouble focusing at work, checking it first thing in the morning, last thing at night... What I'm saying is, add me and help feed this obsession. You know you want to...

I think that's it at the moment? There's some big news about the show and my future employment coming soon but I can't say anything just yet. Stay tuned, shit's happening fast.

Um...

2009-02-28T18:37:00.000-08:00

Boy, this is awkward. 18 days ago I said I'd be better about posting and, um... I haven't. So... Here's a list of things I want to be when I grow up.

1. this dude

2. that guy

3. him

4. these

5. them

[secret number 6. all these people (who knew about this picture??)]

Chew on those. I'll have more for you soon.

A few tidbits.

2009-02-10T18:49:00.000-08:00

I know, I know. It's been a while and I said I'd be better about updating. Believe me when I tell you I haven't had a spare minute. Keep reading Pho and check out these gems to hold you over until I get a chance to write more.

1. Muppet memories.

2. Pam & Jan's Female-Specific Barber Shop and Color House

3. Awesome music video goodness.

4. Diablo Cody including the ShamWow on her Top 5 of '08 list.

Let me know if you need more.

The Report.

2009-02-02T21:23:00.001-08:00

Hey there! Remember that time I had a blog? Crazy! It's been a whirlwind few weeks for me. Three weeks, four states, two countries, one tired puppy. The cruise was really great. Sun, beaches, naps, gourmet food, alcohol: everything I believe in. It was so nice to get away from everything and just take some time to slow down. The last six months wonderful overall, but they've been anything but easy. A week to just lounge around was truly a blessing. Here's the recap:

Day One: Fly American Airlines from LGA-MIA (not so fun right after my blissful SFO-JFK flight on the heavenly Virgin America). It was a pretty awful experience, but we got there. Picked up luggage, collapsed into Starbucks, grabbed a cab, hit the port. Checking in took a while but it was a relatively smooth process. The ship itself was pretty incredible. I'd never been on a cruise before so experiencing a 13-floor hotel on water for the first time is a little mind-blowing. We dropped our stuff in our (TINY) room and hit the sundeck. After some much-needed sunbathing, we explored the ship for a while before hitting the room for a quick power nap. Rested and ready for the night we had our first amazing meal at Il Adagio, the boat's Italian restaurant. Great food, some strong drinks, long conversation... we were happy clams. We hit the jacuzzi for a bit and then called it a night. Sleep at last!

Day 2: We docked in Freeport and after a harried breakfast buffet, made our way off the ship in search of a beach. The cab was a special experience but we finally found some sun and sand and quickly got down to business. Lucaya Beach was technically owned by the Sheraton but we ganked a spot and enjoyed it anyway, despite the moronic tourists and tchochke-selling locals. Back to the ship for another nap (this became a theme), dinner at the Palace (the ship's free restaurant) where I had some Kosher meat (!) and then the Stardust Lounge's production of "On Broadway!" featuring medleys from Wicked, Movin' Out and Hairspray. Reeeeeeal special.... More jacuzzi, more sleeping.

Day Three: We docked in Nassau and set off towards the Atlantis Hotel and Resort. We didn't spend any time at Atlantis (other than the pool-side bathrooms which were AMAZING), but we did find a clean, warm, sunny beach to enjoy. $20 bought us a coconut full of rum (choice of Pina Colada, Mai Tai or Bahama Mama) and unlimited refills our of a cooler on the beach. Needless to say we bought it. More cab drama, more napping back on the ship, a wonderful dinner at NCL's French restaurant, Le Bistro (great food, bottle of wine, good ice cream, three incredible cups of fresh French press coffee to keep us tossing and turning all night...), jacuzzi, bed.

Day Four: I got a hot stone massage! It was more than I spent on college tuition but it was really amazing and helped with my back and neck pain. I had to be up super early for my appointment and the massage therapist lectured me on how to take better care of my muscles but it was so worth it. NCL is very proud of the fact that they're the first in the industry to own an island. Great Stirrup Cay is billed as just another island port in the Bahamas but is entirely man-made and pretty lame. We took a ferry to the shore and then fought with the other 3000 guests for a spot on the very tiny beach. The kitsch-factor was real high but when it came right down to it, beach and sun and water and tequila are just fine no matter where they are. We had purchase a snorkeling shore excursion package that turned out to be a bust since there was nothing to see in the enclosed cay but it was a nice hot day of tanning and swimming. Plus we got underwater cameras and that's always a good time. Ferry back to the ship, got hosed off by the crew (awkward), a very long nap, dress for dinner, hold up. Okay, now when I say this was the best meal I've ever eaten you're likely to think I'm exaggerating. I'm not. We ate at Cagney's Steakhouse and nothing was ever the same again. Appetizers first. On menu: Smoked salmon on crustini. In reality: Almost half of a salmon, deliciously cooked to warm, buttery perfection, with four breakfast toast-sized slabs of thick, warm brioche toast with a bowl of aioli. Could have been a meal on its own. Salads next. On menu: Sliced beefsteak tomatoes and basil brushed with balsamic vinaigrette. In reality: giant cuts of perfectly-ripe tomatoes with whole basil plants swimming in the best dressing of all time. Entrees. On menu: Vegetarian ravioli with seasonal vegetables in a light squash alfredo sauce plus (I chose) side of roasted garlic mashed potatoes and creamed spinach. In reality: A massive plate of seven huge raviolis and every vegetable known to man drowning in the most incredible sauce you could possibly imagine, about a gallon of the most perfect mashed potatoes and delicious spinach. After eating and eating and eating and eating, it looked like I hadn't made a dent. (I left the table for a minute and the waitress asked AVH if anything was wrong with my dish. Not understanding why she'd asked, AVH responds with "No, why?". The waitress says, "Well, he's barely touched it". AVH informs her, "He's eaten quite a lot of it.") Dessert (how??) finished the meal. On menu: Raspberry creme brulee. In reality: heaven. We ate more than some countries eat in a year and had mountains of food left over. Truly, disgustingly, amazingly indulgent.

Day Five: Up early, pack everything, avoid the breakfast stampede, check out, $60 cab ride to our hotel. Hotel manager tells us they're overbooked with timeshares and they're refunding the price we paid, paying for a car to another hotel, and putting us up in a nicer hotel. We stayed at the four star Le Meridien in an incredible suite with full kitchen, living room, king-size bed, huge tub and shower and laundry! Lame that we did laundry on vacation but how nice to come back with clean clothes (and all for free!). We tried the beach for a quick minute but it started raining so we called it quits. That night we took another crazy expensive cab for a night out in Miami Beach. We had some (awesome) Mexican food and (awesomer) margaritas.

Day Six: Had to check out by noon (this was the "late" alternative...), checked our luggage and hit the beach. Which was freezing. We walked about a mile down the beach to a pretty gross beach bar for some questionable beer and fries. I had (reasonably-safe) salad. AVH had some (much less-safe) chili. After the (seemingly-endless) walk back to the hotel, we hopped a cab to the Aventura Mall where we successfully wasted four hours doing nothing. Finally it was time to cab back to the hotel, grab our bags, cab to the airport, fight through the lines at security and fly back to the city. It was a very long day and I was happy to hit the couch back at H and B's.

Sunday: Brunch! Arguably my favorite New York activity, brunch is that time when it's okay to drink early in the day. The trick is finding the places that don't follow the no-liquor-before-noon rule. We failed at this. However, Country Grill has some mean eggs and aside from my wayward ham ending up in mine, it was a pretty good omelet. It was so nice to hang with E and K, the two Bs, N, MR and AVH for an old-fashioned lazy Sunday morning in the city. We moved the party to Blockheads (another old-fashioned tradition) and I tried their newest drink, the Bull Dog (regular frozen margarita with a Coronita in it). Delicious AND more alcoholic! AVH and I ventured up to Target at 225th Street and I bought a couple hats and shirts I'm pretty psyched about. I finished the day with NC at good ol' Delta Grill for the Superbowl. My idea of a good night.

Today I spent some quality time on the internet in Starbucks updating Pho365 and then met AVH at her office. I was (finally) introduced to the people she works with (whatup, L148!) and then we went for some nice, light, post-cruise-face-stuffing salads. Cruised back out to Astoria for quick nap (I'm still on a cruise schedule) and then B took T1 out for dinner at Maggiano's. It was a belated Christmas/Hannukah present to us all and it was the most delicious present I've ever received. Being away from that group is really hard so spending the time with them was amazing.

Whew! How you doin'? Still with me? I hope you stretched and kept hydrated. It's beena an eventful week and writing about is reminding me just how much I did. I'm exhausted all over again. It's 2am so I should probably get some sleep before another long day of visiting with some more homies and a long night of drinking. I'll be in Boston (my new home for the next few months) on Wednesday and I'll have regular internet again at that point. I'll try and be better about updating once I'm there. I'm out !

Be jealous.

2009-01-30T16:18:00.000-08:00

That's all I have to say. (ie. I'm too tired to write at the moment. More coming.)

Where in the world is Elie Berkowitz?

2009-01-25T23:31:00.000-08:00

Since I last posted:

-I spent five wonderful days at home. Having just come off packing for a week straight I wasn't too thrilled about spending the week unpacking. But the apartment my mom just moved into is really great and it was a nice, easy, nostalgic week of sorting through my old crap and getting the new place up and running.

-MNN and I successfully worked two consecutive days of Happy Hour at Chevys. Bliss.

-Bought awesome new sneakers and rockin' hat and I'm psyched about both.

-Flew Virgin America (amazing) back to New York and had a very easy flight for the first time in a very long time.

-Stayed up until 4.30 with HJ talking about everything and nothing just like old times and enjoyed every minute of it.

-Visited four boroughs in one day

-Watched cheerful ice skaters fall and get progressively more frustrated

-Bought some very exciting used plays at Housing Works and ate the best french toast with my betrothed

-Spend the night drinking and laughing with some of my favorite people in the world and couldn't have asked for anything more

-Packed for my cruise!

-Wrote this post while waiting to leave for the airport (after staying up all night)

Leaving for vacation in T-minus 01:42:57...

Packing sucks.

2009-01-17T20:34:00.000-08:00

Shit's crazy. I can't even express it all. Packing is one of the things I hate most in the world. I've moved so many times in my life (seriously, it's off the charts) so you'd think I'd be used to it or gotten really good at it. Instead I always take way too much stuff and I don't really know how to actually fit it all in to maximize space. I'm sure it's some deep-seated repression or complex and I subconsciously suck at it because it brings up memories of moving around so much. It boils down to this: I need to never buy clothes again. I'm actually almost entirely packed up at home. The inventory is as follows: one giant box to ship to CA for storage at home (more on this later), one suitcase and one big box to go on the trucks to Boston with the stuff from the show, one suitcase and one backpack to come with me. I KNOW. Way too much. Packing the theatre is a bigger undertaking (though we're in pretty good shape there as well). Tomorrow is going to be a long day but we'll get it done, ship some stuff out Monday morning and then be out.

The original plan was to spend next week in New York with my homies, drinking too much and acting like a fool. Turns out my mom had to move out of our place in California suddenly and is drowning in too much stuff. Are you starting to pick up on the genetics? To be entirely fair, my brother and I have a TON of crap that's been in storage or stashed in the garage for a long time. The new place is a bit smaller and my mom doesn't have room for it all. So I'm heading out to the unseasonably warm weather in California to help her sort through stuff and get the new apartment set up. It'll be nice not to have to deal with much cold in New York and not have to pay for everything for a week. Plus this would be the second time my mom has moved while I was away so actually getting to see the new place and help set up might actually be nice. Suffice it to say, I'm not good with change and throwing wrenches in plans usually screws me up, but I'm actually looking forward to being home and sleeping in my bed (albeit on the ground) for a few days. But don't worry, New Yorkers. I'll be there by next weekend to cram in a few solid days of Asian Pub, Delta, HOB, Rudys and (because somehow we ALWAYS end up there) The Ritz. And if I weren't hopping between enough states in the next month as it is, we're still going to down to Miami for the cruise on the 26th. Oy.

My head is spinning, my back hurts, my neck is still store and I have more cuts on my hands and arms than I can count. But the show is ending as we speak and that means Chicago is a wrap. Now back to more packing...

so... close...

2009-01-08T16:44:00.001-08:00

Some old memories.

2009-01-03T20:40:00.000-08:00

I've been chatting a lot with some friends from my trip to Israel two years ago sharing pictures and videos and talking about the good times. I miss them very much and I thought I'd introduce you all to them.

This is JLev, or "BOOM" as we like to call her. She and I make fun of each other a lot but we love each other very much as evidenced by this picture. What you don't know about this is that it was both freezing cold and unbelievably hot in the Negev on the same day. We think we're just swell.

This is HilJam. No nickname for her. We're pretty mean to each other but one day we'll be together for all eternity in holy matrimony. Mostly because I hella want her dad as my in-law!

This is all three of us and a few others gazing off into the Negev and smiling for the picture, forgetting that it didn't matter. Seriously, all of us were too dumb not to figure that out.

These fools mean the world to me and I hope I get to see them all soon. Keep it awkward, 586!

True love.

2009-01-02T17:05:00.000-08:00

It's happened. I finally found what I've always been waiting for. I've fallen in love and we're just so happy together.

Magical.

"Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality."

2008-12-27T20:27:00.000-08:00

There are two causes I'm really fired up about right now, and have been for a long time (well, three if you include leaving the State of Illinois and its ADD weather). I've written a lot about one and I don't think I've mentioned the other. So here's your update.

1. Gay Marriage. The whole topic still makes me sick. It gets me so angry because there's no battle here. What are we even fighting about? Who is anyone to say that someone else doesn't have the right to choose what to do with themselves? Oh, sorry, did I say "right to choose"? Didn't mean to open that can of worms.

I've ranted about Prop 8 and the whole movement many times before and I still feel like I'm not doing anything. Sitting here blogging is fine and dandy and I hope maybe someone reads this and appreciates it. But it's not really doing anything. I feel helpless and I don't know how to get involved. Sure, I have time- and location-restraints but there's got to be some way to help. Suggestions are welcome 'cause this sucks.

As usual, I have to give props to Jon Stewart who bravely says what most other people are afraid to. I posted the Olbermann video a while back and I commend anyone who uses the time and resources at their disposal to speak publicly about this. I'd heard about this segment before I saw it but I wasn't really prepared for it. I hesitate to even call it an interview because Jon Stewart doesn't really give him a chance to respond. I'll rephrase- Jon Stewart uses his show to express his beliefs and Huckabee quietly sits by with barely a contradictory interjection.

Don't get me wrong, I'll pick Huckabee over most of the others any day. I think he wasn't prepared enough during this last election and he's not quite groomed enough to be taken totally seriously. My objections to anything Republican aside, I'd feel much better about him in office than anyone he was up against. That being said, he seems to just spout this stuff because he's a member of the party and that's what he's supposed to do. I don't get any real fight or enthusiasm from him and that scares me more than anything. At least Romney, McCain, even Bush misguided enough to actually believe it. Huckabee seems like he might change his mind if the argument were strong enough. Blindly spewing the party lines is terrifying.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Mike Huckabee Pt. 2

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

The idea that "redefining the word" is reason enough just makes my head spin. It's a cover-up and I think it's hypocritical to follow that up with "but I'm not homophobic". You are. You just won't say it because that word has such a stigma about it. And I think "separate but equal" is even worse.

"You talk about the Pro-life movement being one of the great shames of our nation. I think, if you want number 2? I think it's that. I think it's a travesty that people have forced someone who is Gay to have to make their case." Word up, Stewart.

2. Israel. News broke today of the bombings in Gaza and it makes me sad and angry. The "situation in the Middle East" has been going on since long before I was born. It's something I've inherited and accepted as fact in my life. Someone asked me today, "What prompted Israel to make the initial attack?". My response is that using the word "initial" sums up the problem right there. Clearly this goes beyond my ability to offer suggestions for a solution but I'm tired of hearing this news and being asked to ignore a death count in the thousands. Again, I feel helpless and removed from everything and I've been searching hopelessly for years for a way to get involved. I'm tired of hate and anger and sadness and pain and death and ignorance and brutality and stupidity. And I'm tired of feeling like there's nothing I can do.

A traditional Christmas.

2008-12-25T22:48:00.000-08:00

Traditional Jewish Christmas, that is. I had Chinese food last night and spent all day today at the movies. And unless the entire city has converted recently, there were a LOT of Goyim borrowing our tradition today. Seriously, it was PACKED. I was expecting to pull a regular old-fashioned movie hop, especially since I learned on Thanksgiving that this particular theater is insanely good for movie hopping. It was not, however, that easy. Here's a timeline of the day's crazy events:

2.05 pm- Bus pass inexplicably invalid, have to get off the bus and hail a cab. Stop into Starbucks before getting in cab for festive Peppermint Hot Chocolate. Note: bus driver, Starbucks baristas and cabbie are PISSED that they have to work on Christmas and decide to take it out on me. I can only assume it's because I'm Jewish.

2.20 pm- Arrive at theater, shocked to find MASSIVE lines to buy tickets. Finally get to automated ticket machine to find that all the movies I want to see are sold out for the next three hours. Buy ticket to Yes Man for $8.25 with absolutely no intention of actually seeing the movie. Get ticket ripped, find an open seat in the very front of Seven Pounds which was my original plan.

2.30 pm- Seven Pounds. Overall rating: meh. Interesting all the way through, mostly because you have no idea what is happening so you know something big must be coming to explain it all. Also, if you've seen Will Smith on Oprah you know there's "a HUGE ending to this movie". Translation: there's an "eh" ending to this movie. It's powerful but not worth all the hype. Save it for a rental. Will Smith is awesome and insanely talented and I want to be him when I grow up. Please note: I'm still in love with Rosario Dawson. Man, she's hot.

4.15 pm- Movie ends. Like the pro hopper that I am, I stop into the bathroom to put on my coat so I look different when I cruise the other movies and inconspicuously slip into one of them. This was unnecessary since there were so many people around but it made me feel like a spy and was therefore totally worth it. There was nothing starting in the next few minutes so I figured I'd wander back downstairs, eat the price of another movie ticket and check the upcoming times. I wait in line again, find everything sold out again and plan to buy another ticket for Doubt. I figure if I can't get into The Spirit, I want to see Doubt anyway. Between seeing Doubt on the big board and getting to the front of line and punching it into the machine (total: 45 seconds TOPS), Doubt sells out. I buy a ticket to the next earliest movie, The Wrestler, with even less intention of sitting through it than Yes Man. Note: movie ticket now costs $10.50. Really? Another $2.25?? I guess that's my karma tax. Still, it feels wrong in principle.

4.40 pm- Get ticket ripped, walk upstairs, search for Doubt... find that the 3.05 showing of The Spirit has let out while I'm downstairs fighting for tickets like Mickey Rourke, and the next showing is at 5.15. Score! Grab me a soft pretzel and a Diet Coke and settle in for a half hour of FreeCell on my iPod before the movie starts.

5.15 pm-The Spirit. Awesome. Totally kick-ass. Great action, funny dialogue, hot chicks with very little clothing, amazing effects, inspiring creatively. I finally get the Scarlett Johanssen thing. She's hot and funny. Sam Jackson: kick-ass as usual. Plot? Meh. Drunk, loud hipsters next to me? Boo. Overall: A-ok. Note: Sarah Paulson loves Cherry Jones lesbian-style. I love Cherry Jones Doubt-, Faith Healer- and 24-style. I also love Sarah Paulson Studio 60-style. In summation: Sarah Paulson is hot and crazy talented.

7.05 pm- Unlike last time's suave bathroom excursion to avoid AMC ushers, I book it to the bathroom thanks to aforementioned Diet Coke. Put coat back on, stroll calmly down the hallway looking for Benjamin Button and find one. That started 15 minutes ago. I slip inside and find that it's far enough into the actual movie (I was hoping it'd still be in previews) and there's not a seat to be found. Further along the hallway I find another showing which starts in 45 minutes. Bomb diggity! The previous one has just gotten out and I coolly enter the theater to find and army ushers cleaning the theater before the next showing. Not kidding, must have been hundreds of them. About-face right out of there as fast as I can and park it on a bench for more FreeCell. At this point I hear a familiar voice and look up to see Raizin B-W passing me. In stunned paralysis, I sit there wondering if it's really him and then leap forward to catch him. Sure enough, I met his cousin (whom he's in town visiting) and caught up for a quick second. They warned me that Benjamin Button was sub-par.

7.25 pm- I sit back down to finish my digital card game and notice that people are being let inside for the 8 o'clock showing. And by "let" inside I mean "giant bouncer checking tickets at the door". Foiled again! I decide to let this play out a bit and start getting nervous that I won't be able to get inside. I run back downstairs to buy my third ticket of the day, feeling like a movie-hopping failure.

7.30 pm- Waiting in line again! Seriously, who are all these people? Don't they have hams to eat or eggnog to pass out in? I get up to the automated kiosk (my old friend at this point) and find, you guessed it... Sold out. There's a Frost/Nixon at 8.35 which I want to see BAD. Figuring I'll rework my Doubt/Spirit plan, I buy the ticket to Frost/Nixon thinking it won't be so bad if I can't get into Benjamin Button. Feelin' good, time to spare, head back to get my ticket ripped. AMC Usher/Torturer #987 tells me they're not letting people upstairs for the 8.35 showing until 8. Blast! I huffily slink off to the side to wage war on my FreeCell game and wait, getting more and more nervous that Benjamin Button will fill up or that Goliath-sized Bouncer guarding the door will still be there.

8 pm- The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. I made it! With time to spare before the previews, I found a seat way up front but in the very middle. I loved it. Everyone in it is incredible, the effects are amazing, the story is really interesting and engaging. I think overall it's a really beautiful movie and I'm psyched to own the DVD and watch hours of amazing behind-the-scenes crap. Most moving moment in the whole movie: the very, very end. Seriously, go see it. Note: Cate Blanchett is perfect.

So, to recap:

number of movie tickets bought: 3
number of movies seen: 3
number of movies bought tickets for but didn't see: 3

Total: I still got it!

(Oh yeah... Happy Holidays, everyone!)

It's finally time.

2008-12-21T20:42:00.000-08:00

You may remember way back when, I revealed this MES logo. Well I tonight I have another big announcement.

THAT LOGO IS NO LONGER OUR LOGO.

This is.

Nice, huh?! We finally got it together and whipped that shit out. But that's not my announcement.

WE HAVE BUSINESS CARDS COMING DOWN THE PIKE.

They've been designed and agreed upon and we're shopping around for printers (do you know of anyone who will print in batches of less than 100?). We're really movin'! But THAT'S not even my big announcement.

Are you ready?

It's big.

REALLY big.

Holy websites, Batman!

That's right! We have a website up and running!!! Sure, there's just a Coming Soon letter up right now. But I made that! Look at my mad design skillz! And we wrote that letter together! And we think it's HILARIOUS!! We've already started work on what the actual site will look like and it makes me feel warm and happy just thinking about it. I've never had a website before and now I'm helping to create them! Keep checking back for more info coming soon. And send me fan mail to my new address: elie@mediaedges.com. Holler!

Slowly but surely.

2008-12-20T10:41:00.002-08:00

It's been a very tough week. This made me laugh.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Provinces in Peril

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

For Beef

2008-12-16T15:50:00.000-08:00

It’s been a whirlwind weekend and I’m having a hard time adjusting and getting my feet back on the ground. I got a call last Tuesday that a good friend, BF, from home had succeeded in killing himself. I flew home Thursday morning and I’m on my way back now. There were services at his family’s church Friday night and Saturday morning and the burial was Saturday afternoon. They were a long and painful few days but being with everyone was the saving grace.

The news went out in waves and I spoke to many people right after finding out. Some friends had mentioned that they were expecting this call or weren’t surprised when they heard. I was shocked. It’s not the first time he’d attempted and we knew he’d been battling depression for a long time but it still came as a complete surprise for me. During one of several eulogies at the service Saturday morning, someone spoke about his fight with this “disease” and that he “succumbed” in a moment of weakness. That was incredibly helpful to hear. We forget that it’s called “mental illness” for a reason. Depression, among many others, is a disease and needs to be referred to and treated as such. AJS said that she thinks one of the big problems is that we use the term “depressed” very loosely. Even in response to this tragedy, most of us are sad, grief-stricken, heartbroken, devastated. But we’re not depressed. After dealing with death, I always promise to work on not using those terms lightly (“I’m so angry I could kill someone.” “If I don’t eat something soon, I’ll die.” “I’d rather kill myself than talk to her again.”) I’m adding “depressed” to that list. I’m not sure how much I use it but I’m going to focus on correcting it.

Details were scarce in the beginning part of last week and no one really knew if there would be a funeral (public or otherwise), when it would be, who would be there, etc. After a particularly difficult couple of days on my own at work, I decided that regardless of the actual plans I wanted to spend a few days at home with friends and family. Jewish mourning rituals (like so much else in Judaism) are very community-based. Having attended many funerals in my life because of this (and because my dad has officiated at so many) I’m so used to grieving and mourning together. I was having a very difficult time by myself and I was lucky enough to be able to take the week off of work and hop a quick flight home. After speaking with several friends, some of whom were going to be home and others who couldn’t, we discovered that although we were dealing with this in different ways and different paces so many of the feelings were shared. ED and I had a long talk that focused on how going about normal life (rehearsing, going to work, choosing what to wear) felt wrong. Not that there was much that felt “right”, but it seemed somehow inappropriate to continue on with regular activities.

I got a call Friday afternoon that BF’s parent’s had asked some people from PACT to sing at the service and CG asked if I’d help out. The four of us worked on “Hear My Song” from Songs For A New World which I learned on the spot. CG and MM also sang “For Good” and MM and SA did “Suddenly Seymour” which was one of BF’s favorites. I was surprised at how cathartic singing was. To know that this was important to him and that his parents acknowledged and requested it was very moving for me. I’d met his parents only briefly in passing once before and never met his brother, and all three hugged and thanked me that night which left me speechless. Throughout the weekend, relatives and friends I’d never met thanked wholeheartedly for singing for them and mentioned how much they loved that it was a big part of his life and how fitting it was that we remembered him in that way.

After the service Friday night we all needed to decompress and many people hadn’t really eaten anything all day. After a quick trip by the theatre to set up for the next day (my super-helpful clan showed up just as the alarm was being set) and several closed restaurants, we descended on the midtown Safeway (I end up in that store every time I go home, usually late at night, usually with AQN and usually for no reason other than pure entertainment) to buy supplies. CG hosted everyone for what turned into a party complete with cooking, eating, dancing, drinking, laughing and catching up. It felt weird but okay all at the same time and I was so happy to be there with everyone right then.

It all finally caught up with me during Saturday morning’s service, listening to two eulogies which captured BF perfectly. He was funny, kind, helpful, sincere, supportive, creative and, most importantly, a great friend. Hearing about how many lives he touched in so many ways hit me suddenly and I completely fell apart. There was a reception after the service and almost everyone was laughing, talking, catching up and remembering the lighter side of BF. I had to leave and compose myself because it was all too fast for me. I don’t cry easily but when I do it’s a long affair. I keep so much bottled up and when it finally comes out, it’s all out there. I can’t thank ED and everyone else who sat with me and talked with me and helped me through enough. There’s no way I would have made it through as well without you all.

Saturday afternoon we drove out to Los Altos for the burial and that was the breaking point for everyone. It had been such a long couple days so far and to finally see the urn buried was more than most of us could handle. In a decidedly un-Jewish move, BF’s parents left as the urn was lowered into the grave. I say this with absolutely no judgment, but I’m so used to everyone staying for the actual burial which, to me, adds an unbelievably painful but much-needed finality. We all (the PACT kids) stayed for a long time and each took a moment to say goodbye at the graveside. I’ve never felt more connected to a community like that since we all experienced it together. And then followed it up with cake at Borrone’s. Where else would you expect us to go?

It’s still sinking in and I think it will take a very long time to really find closure and accept that he’s gone. The PACT community has gone through so much in the last couple years and it’s hard to move on after each new tragedy. For me, this one hit closest to home. I was much closer with him than any of the others in recent history. BF was such an integral part of that community and, almost literally, of the actual building and I think we’re all trying to figure out what it will look like now that he’s not around. We’re all working through stages of pain, anger, sadness, guilt, acceptance and healing. Sunday was a hard day for me as everyone left to go back to their lives and I just wasn’t ready to let go of the weekend. It was such a quick ending and I wanted to sit in the moment a little longer. I think that’s definitely the lesson that needs to be learned from all this. We hear it all the time but life and each moment specifically is fleeting and it’s so important to savor and experience them as they come. It all happened so fast and I’m still reeling and trying to stop my head spinning. I haven't been able to sleep or eat or think really since I heard. I actually ate three (small) meals yesterday and realized simultaneously what a big step that was and how scary it is that I shut down like that. I'm totally exhausted and when I can sleep it's not restful.

AJS said the other night that in many ways death is taboo. No one wants to talk about it or acknowledge it in hopes that it will just go away and sort itself out. I found it very hard to figure out how to talk to each person individually. Everyone touched by this handles it differently and each person was at a different place in the process. Those people in my life who weren’t affected were generally (though not across the board) very respectful, supportive, helpful and loving. I know that eventually I’ll be able to move on and appreciate the time I got to spend with him. For now it hurts too much to think about but it’s the only thing on my mind.

I have no words to express the gratitude for everyone who was there for me, near and far. Everyone who wrote, called, texted, hugged, cried, laughed, listened, drove, included, paid and so much more. For now I have pictures, memories, support and “Hear My Song” on constant repeat. It hurts like hell but it’ll get better. If I haven’t told you I love you today and thanked you for being my friend, call me and remind me. I need to do that more often.

BEF
July 25, 1987-December 8, 2008

It's not fucking fair.

2008-12-10T01:08:00.000-08:00

I'm sad and I'm angry and I'm hurting and I'm lonely and I'm feeling guilty and I can't concentrate on anything. I don't know what to say or think or feel. I'm so thankful for this job and the opportunities it's providing me but I hate it right now for keeping me away from the people I love. More than anything I want to be at home right now with other people going through this. I hate this.

Berry Chill

2008-12-07T11:17:00.000-08:00

Elie Berkowitz
in
BERRY CHILL "ANYTIME" COMMERCIAL

(also starring Devin Hester)

Look! My (very) small-screen debut! In the third shot when the camera is right behind Hester looking down the field, you can see the big guy #20 in blue and past him is a short guy in red and black who's about get slammed to the ground and running right next to him is me! #24. Hard to see, but there I am. Then when it switches to the "calculations on the screen" you can see exactly the same scene again (continuity?) and I dart out to the right from behind big man #20. You may recall this, and there you can see Dan "Big Guy Blue" #20, Joe "Little Guy About to Slam the Floor 35 Times" #3 and the star of the commercial himself, #24 Elie "Solid As A Rock" Berkowitz. Booyah!

Can I have some degrees please??

2008-12-05T18:25:00.000-08:00

IT'S FUCKING COLD. I know, I know. You all tried to tell me. For the record, I never said it wouldn't bother me or that I didn't know or that I didn't care. I knew, it bothers me, I care. Now move over, you're hogging the blanket. It's 16 right now and this morning was -4. DID YOU HEAR THAT?? LESS THAN ZERO. There is an actual lack of degrees in this city. I'm not happy. I want to go back to fake-ass, pansy New York winter. You know, where we bitch and moan but only break out the heavy-duty gloves once or twice a year. This is bullshit and I won't stand for it. I'm wearing so many layers I can barely move. I'm done with this fake place. As soon as I thaw out I'm leaving. You know, in six weeks...

Not a whole lot going on. Started personal training at a gym near my apartment. First session was today and Lizzie kicked my ass. Hard. Felt good though. She said I was surprisingly flexible and she was very impressed with how well I did everything she set up. Suck on that, girly men.

Plans for the rest of the tour are started to come together. Boston will be a much shorter run than here and LA will be longer than Boston but still shorter than here. Confused yet? Me too.

So, in summary, I'm tired and sore and cold. But I have Netflix movies to watch in preparation for my first Filmibuster post! Wish me luck. (And good luck to MNN who's retaking her test tomorrow. I'm thinking 175 for you!)

Keep warm, campers!

New Blog!

2008-12-03T16:12:00.000-08:00

I'm a bloggin' fiend. I got bit by the bug (blug?) and I'm in it to win it. My newest project is called Filmibuster. I've been realizing more and more that there are tons of classic movies I've never seen. So in an effort to edjimicate myself, I'm working my way through the AFI Top 100 list and posting about each one. Kira, Mary and Aislinn were crazy enough to jump on board and I'm open to anyone else who is willing to sign on and make the commitment. It's a big task but I think I'll be able to do it and I'm looking forward to understanding more pop culture references.

Diablo Cody wins.

2008-12-01T20:50:00.000-08:00

I have a confession to make (actually several in this post): I subscribe to Entertainment Weekly. It's trashy and cheap and unfunny but I love it. I guess I should say "usually unfunny". Movies, TV, theatre.. these are the most important things in life. You know it too, you just won't admit it (seriously, world peace? yawn). But before you start judging EW, I also subscribe to New York Magazine which makes me an intellectual. Those are the only two (though I'm thinking of adding Maxim to class up the joint a bit). Since I've been in Chicago (and really going back since I left NY in August) it's been a big process to get my mail sorted out so I just got a big stack of old issues that I'm catching up on. Today at the gym I was reading about the new Star Trek from my bud JJ and I came across this. Literally laughed out loud by myself. Diablo Cody is awesome and Juno is hilarious and I hope she writes a billion more movies but for now I hope she writes more articles like this every day.

Tonight I went to see a reading of a new play at the Goodman. This was the third installment from this writer they've produced. Noah Haidle wrote a 12-play series called "Local Time" in which each play covers two hours in a 24-hour period. His notes in the program explained that "Tony Kushner saw the movie Nashville and said to himself, I want to put that on stage; what came out was Angels in America...I saw the television show 24 and said to myself, I want to put that on stage." I think it's a fascinating concept and it reminds me of this genius. Theatre like that excites me more than I can express. When it's good. To be fair, I missed the first two plays and that might explain why I didn't understand anything. On the other hand, the woman who introduced it said that didn't matter. I thought the writing was awful (this man went to Juilliard!) and the events made no sense. Characters popped up (literally from the ground) and disappeared and existed in parallel universes and reacted entirely unrealistically. I try to keep an open mind with everything I do and I know that I have a hard time doing that with theatre. So here's my second confession (which won't surprise anyone): I'm a completely elitist, arrogant snob when it comes to theatre. I like what I like and I hate what I don't. That's not to say I'm not occasionally surprised or find myself enjoying something I never expected to. But overall, I hate bad theatre.

After the play there was a talk-back. Confession #3: I hate talk-backs. I've been through many, I've watched many, I've given many and I've organized many. In theory I understand why it's a good idea. In practice, there's nothing more exhausting than hearing people gush to the writers/actors/directors/etc. about everything they loved and quote all their favorite lines... four minutes after we all just heard them. Tonight was no exception. Plus the writer was a jackass who just wanted to soak in all the praise. Lame.

All right, speech over, off the soapbox. What else? I woke up to several inches of snee-ew on the ground. I don't know why I keep calling it that but I've been saying "snee-ew" in my head all day. I think I'll keep that for a while.

What else? Oh! We dun book'd a krooz! That's right folks. I'm goin' on vacation. Never been on a cruise before, never been to Florida before, never been to the Bahamas before! I can't wait for four days on a boat to eat, drink, sleep and prepare to come back looking this! Mark it on your calendars now: Jan 26-30 DON'T CALL ME.

That's it for now. More in the next few days. I'm out.

Fin.

2008-11-29T22:20:00.000-08:00

I finished this tonight. It was a long and involved process. Audience participation too! It's taken me several months and lot of Gatorade and Power Bars but I've finally reached the summit. Feels good. Let's have a quiz:

This "accomplishment" says which of the following about me?

a. I'm a nerd
b. I need a life
c. I still believe it was all worth it
d. I'm a homo

The correct answers are: yes, yes, yes and no (depending on whether you asked Mr.'s Mahoney and Zitka).

(I just made up that plural of Mr. Kinda looks like Mrs. Which is fitting....)

Say what you want about me. I think those people are talented, smart, creative, funny and inspiring. I aspire to be like them. Reading about their lives and that process and seeing their show made me want to get off my ass and prepare to do some auditioning. And then move back to New York and actually do some auditioning. I miss theatre every day and I can't wait to get back to it. If you have a prob with, you can suck it.

*Please note: EBerkowitz is very short on sleep and cannot be held fully responsible for anything written in the preceding blog post. Thank you and goodnight.

Not All Two-Show Days Are Created Equal

2008-11-28T15:49:00.000-08:00

(I always feel like my titles should be in caps. ALWAYS. Is it necessary? Sometimes I feel it's not and I force my to blogtitle lower case-style. Thoughts? Opinions? No one cares, only me? Fair enough.)

So many posts this week! You'd think I was Roneet's bathroom mirror. SNAP. (Only seven people in the world understood that. Only 2.5 of them will ever read this.) I'm pushing myself to blog more. About the important things. About the not-so-important things. And about the thoughts I have. Both of them.

Today, is Black Friday for some of y'all. For others of us, it's the beginning of Holiday Season Performance Schedule Hell. Today is the first time we have two shows on a Friday. Or Five shows in a weekend. Or enough time spent in this building to decide to just move in. But not all two-show days are the same in these parts. Sometimes our evening shows are at 7:30. Sometimes they're at 8. It's like Punxsutawney Phil. You just never know till you know. This means one of several things:

1. Theater employees (eg. performers, crew members, FOH staff, etc.) can often seen running around like headless chickens trying to get ready for they've just found out starts in mere minutes.

2. I have, on numerous occasions, forgotten which day it was and what time the show was at. This leaves me either sitting around for a half hour by myself, wondering where my sellers are or, more often, part of the aforementioned group number 1.

3. On days where the show starts at 8 but we also have a matinee, the extra half hour between shows feel like a gift from above.

4. On said days, I have time to get my work done so I have free time during the second show, take my pic for the day, blog for you "all", and still get me some dinner.

5. Yawn. Two-show days are long.

6. I want to go home now. I'm done playing big boy job.

7. What was the question? I'm too tired to remember.

8. I hate two-show days.

So, you see, double days are from the devil and I hate them. This concludes another edition of Bipolar Berkowitz's Funblog.

Happy TDay!

2008-11-27T21:27:00.000-08:00

I was planning on writing one of those really sappy posts with a list of all the things I'm grateful for. But I didn't really spend Thanksgiving for real today so I'm not gonna do that for real. I woke up early and watched the parade which is my favorite part of the holiday. The parade was never a big family thing for us, it wasn't a tradition. I've just gotten up to watch it every year since I can remember. It used to make me dream about living in New York City and, once I moved there, helped me fall back in love with the city when I sometimes got disillusioned. For whatever reason, it's a big ol' fake canned mess of staged holiday cheer and I love it. This year's lineup wasn't so promising but it turned out to be a pretty good show. (I should mention that last year I finally went to the parade with my betrothed, Mary Rocco, and the Stope sisters. Miss you ladies!) Today I went to the movies all day and saw three flicks I've really been looking forward to. Here are my thoughts:

Changeling
Amazing. Angelina Jolie is really phenomenal. The movie drags a bit in the middle and there's almost no time spent on her reaction immediately after her son goes missing which I think could have helped the story. Overall, Clint is the man and Angelina Jolie is hot.

Quantum of Solace
I have a confession to make. I'm a huge Bond fan. That's not the confession. It's that I'm actually a mini-Bond fan. I haven't seen any of the classics. And by that I mean the only Bond I've seen (before Daniel Craig) is Brosnan. Lame, I know! They've been on my list for a long time and I still haven't gotten to them. That being said, I didn't love Casino Royale and I didn't love this one either. It was better than Royale but still just okay. I think the problem is the new stories have Bond too involved. He's falling in love and getting burned and betrayed and people are dying and he's taking it personally and out for revenge. Which is... unBond-like, frankly. The special features were killer, though. Really awesome effects. And some hot chicks. But not enough of the hot chicks. Also unBond-like. I just saw an interview with Marc Forster who said he decided not to include the line "Bond, James Bond" which I think is wrong and offensive and illegal. Not that you could tell from this review, but I did actually enjoy it.

Australia!
Unbelievable. I've been looking forward to this for a really long time and it lived up to all the hype and all the time spent waiting. I love Baz Luhrman's movies, I love Nicole Kidman and I want to be HughJack when I grow up. What more could I ask for? The two of them are in excellent form and the movie really is amazing. I'd heard that this is "the type of movies they don't make anymore" which we hear all the time. In this case it's true. In true Luhrman-fashion, it's very stylized but unlike his other movies it's not gimmicky (not that I don't love that in those films, this just would have been out of place). It's very reminiscent of movies made in that era but with a nod to them, not making fun of them. It really is an incredible epic. An incredible sweeping, epic. An incredibly LONG, sweeping epic. I can't recommend the Film (and I mean that with a capital "F") enough. Just try avoid the snarky gay guys next to me snickering and giggling through the whole thing. Annoying!

And now... the sappy part (hey, I said I wasn't gonna do it FOR REAL). It's really hard to be away from everyone I know and love and especially during the holidays. I can't thank you all enough for the love and support I get from both sides of the country. You all mean the world to me and the calls and messages I got today meant more than you know. I hope everyone had a great holiday and have some extra turkey for me. Happy Thanksgiving!

Go ElfYourself

2008-11-26T23:35:00.000-08:00

Awesome.

A Memorandum on the State of Commercialism

2008-11-25T10:32:00.000-08:00

I'm all about catchy brand slogans and commercial jingles that get stuck in your head. Who doesn't love the best part of waking up? Which, as we all know, is
Folgers in your cup (even though I don't know anyone who actually stocks Folgers in their home...). Sometimes when I'm having Frosted Flakes for breakfast (part of a balances, nutritious diet!), I think to myself, "boy, these ARE Grrrrrreat!" And I don't know about you, but my Momma loves brights white like the sunlight. Momma loves the magic of Clorox Bleach (well, Arm & Hammer actually, but you get the point).

But now, my fellow Americans, I think we have a problem. I'm talking about the heathens and vagabonds who are ruining our children (me) with lies and trumped-up claims about what their products can do for them (me). Have you seen these new commercials? "Kmart saves Christmas"?? I object to that. Not that I celebrate Christmas or have any personal stake in the holiday, but that's a bit strong, don't you think? Maybe something softer like "Kmart helps Christmas" or "Kmart can do its best to keep you from making Christmas suck". You know, anything not so certain. First off, what needs saving? There are the usual 97 bland Christmas comedies coming out in the next two weeks, plenty of ham to go around, and for my fellow Jews, plenty of places to celebrate the traditional Jewish Christmas just like our ancestors did. So really, Kmart, why don't you take your lofty claim and hang it on your Martha Stewart-decorated, cost-effective, pre-lit (fake) tree.

Even more dangerous is the threat to our nation's families. I'm not talking about Gay Marriage or Sarah Palin. I'm mean that giant corporation of evil, the home of the League of Super-Villains, the biggest threat known to man: Disney. They think they can swoop in and fix all our problems but expanding their empire until they own the world. First they bought the animal kingdom. All of it. They literally bought out every species on Earth. But that wasn't enough. They then bought the rights to amusement park fun. They actually now have the monopoly on vacation fun. Terrifying. But still they weren't satisfied. Disney now owns your family. You think if there's a fight at home that you're in control. You think you have the power to mend the rifts with your relatives. You think you're in control of when and where you and your children spend time together. You think so, but you're wrong. Disney's new commercials aren't hawking any one particular movie or park. They're simply promoting Disney Blu-Ray. "Bringing families together". First of all, since when does Disney own their Blu-Rays? When I was a kid there were VHS tapes (remember those?). But it was never "Disney VHS". Then DVDs came out and suddenly you could buy the movie on "VHS or Disney DVD". Now that DVDs are obsolete (did I miss that memo??), they've conquered Blu-Ray. Well, I object, Disney. You didn't invent the technology so you don't get to trademark your own version of the name. And less importantly, you bring families together?? Pretty cavalier, don't you think? If I want to fight with my family and hold a grudge, no Disney Blu-Ray will make me cave. Except for Finding Nemo. That was good times.

In summary, Kmart and Disney are conspiring to take over the world and that is a threat not to be taken lightly. These are the only examples I have so far. But remember, two points make a line. Also, six of one, half a dozen of another, don't count your chickens before they hatch and if you made your bed then... take a nap. Capiche?

And so it is.

2008-11-22T20:26:00.000-08:00

(I always want to say that I love Damien Rice and specifically the Closer soundtrack which was my introduction to his music but in the words of Kacy Rice, "It's all the same. In every scene of that movie. Just in a new key." True dat, Face.) I'm feeling a lot of that in my life right now. Shit happens and I can get upset and worked up about it and stress and worry and carry it around with my like I always do or I can let it go and breathe and enjoy the things that are good and that I have to be thankful for.

It's been Elie and the Terrible Awful No-good Horrible Week. Just one of those weeks where everyone in the world is a fucking moron and they're not helpful or smart or kind or fast enough (do you REALLY need to crawl up the stairs so we both miss the train, sir??). Clearly this means I need to re-examine things about me and my attitude but it's hard when there's so much to do and not enough time to do it and sleep to be had and cleaning and shopping to do and a life to live. I turn into a tired, cranky
monster during these times. Not helping? The cold. I'm just a ball of miserable at the moment.

What does help is remembering the things I'm so happy about. Minute, unimportant things and big, huge, major things. A list? Why, yes. I'd love to.

1. My new credit card (finally!)
2. All my friends who help me just by sending a text or calling or emailing or Facebooking to make me laugh. I miss you guys more than anything and it helps to hear from you.
3. Working on projects I'm excited about (future and current, big and small)
4. Planning vacations to warm, sunny beachful places
5. Gyming
6. Massages
7. Calling my parents for help and having them there for me always.
8. Planning fun things to do for when friends come visit me here
9. Crossing things off my To-Do list for the day (or week or month or year...)
10. Being reassured that I'm doing a good job and being told that I'm appreciated (this goes not just for my job but for other things as well)
11. this
12. this
13. this
14. and this.
15. Edy's Slow-Churned Sugar Free Ice Cream (seriously, go get some)
16. My new monthly CTA Bus and Train pass that has a no-swipe sensor (seriously, CTA could take MTA in a naked fight to the death)
17. Finishing a show and going home (like now!)

I need to focus on these things more often and not dwell on the bad things. That's my pre-New Years Resolution. Hold me to it!

imdb.com/ElieBerkowitz

2008-11-17T18:38:00.000-08:00

[not a real URL]

What is real is my ever-expanding resume. I've been a busy, busy man. I recorded the music for Heddda Gabler last night and it was so great to sing again. Recording is always fun and the little bit of playback I heard on the spot sounded awesome. Today I did the Berry Chill (Chicago's Pink Berry) commercial shoot. I was a football player and it was WAY more physical than any of us thought it would be. Real padding, football pants, jerseys, helmets, chin guards... The whole nine yards. So to speak. Plus I got to keep my jersey. I spent most of the day running into Dan, my BIG new friend. I'll rephrase: I spent most of the day running into a brick wall. It was a lot of fun and now I'm in pain. Here's what I'd look like as a football player (my folks are so proud). Also, here's my new bruise! Look at my sick sports injury!

me and "Solid as a Rock" Dan

Yeah, you're afraid of this.

Me, Dan and Joe

Weekend Update

2008-11-14T19:17:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've written anything about what's going on. I know you've been on the edge of your seat so I thought I'd keep you posted. Work has been CRAZY. Crazy. (Remember Crazy Harry? Remember the Muppets??) Wholesale orders started coming in, the web store went live, BCEFA started (which means stocking company management with posters for the cast to sign and sell), major stock deliveries coming in... Not to mention normal day-to-day stuff. I've been to FedEx more times in the last week than I can remember, and my office is full of boxes since I'm out of shelf-space for shirts. Just to top it all off, we already have to start planning seriously for Boston which has given me a three-day headache. Somehow I've managed to find time to hit the gym three times this week, get new contact lenses, have dinner with Mama Rahamim, watch two Oprah and three Ellen interviews and shop at Target (and if you think that's not time-consuming and exhausting you've never been to Target with me). I'm really not complaining about any of this. I love it all. I'm just tired. Insomnia doesn't help, either.

But that's not even the most exciting thing going on right now. I have a very demanding film career at the moment. I'm in high demand and I have so many projects going on that I'm turning people away. That's right, I have so many film credits that I'm turning them down. Well... kinda. Craigslist is a magical place and I've been sending out headshots and resumes like it's my job (and one day it will be...). So far I've only done one project but I have several more lined up in the next week or two. I spoke with a casting agency that works with extras for big shoots here in Chicago and I was an extra on the new A&E show "The Beast" starring Patrick Swayze. You may remember him from this or this and I remember him from this every day and twice Wednesdays and Saturdays. It was an awesome experience except for the fact that I couldn't get to sleep at all the night before (literally at all) so I was up for 36 hours all together. It kind of seems like a dream, I'm not sure it actually happened. I play a security officer (stop laughing) and it was awesome to be on a real set. It was a VERY long 12.5 hour-day and I'm not going to go into everything now but I'll tell you the whole story if you want. Suffice it to say, I had a full Wardrobe and Props outfitting and you can see me from behind at the security desk and wanding visitors as they pass through the metal detectors at FBI Headquarters Chicago. I also play a lowly FBI desk agent, walking back and forth handing out files and papers. Look for The Beast on A&E in January. You'll find my name in the credits right above the title.

I'm also being interviewed for a documentary but as a character so it's not really me but I am giving my own opinions but sounding realistically interviewed as someone else so it's still an "acting" credit. Got that? Me either. Monday I'm filming a commercial for a Pink Berry-like yogurt place here in Chi-town (Anna, it's in my contract that I don't actually have to eat any of it). I'll be playing a football player (stop laughing!). And lastly, so far, I'll be recording some music for a production of Hedda Gabler being performed by a local theatre company. That's right! My first professional singing gig! Unless you count Flu- well, you know.

In other news, Roneet isn't coming back to stay here. She'll be here in January to visit for a few days. But WAY more importantly, Paula is coming! I can't wait. My fam is not coming for Thanksgiving. M & D might be coming? AVH might be coming back? We might be going somewhere for vacation in January that will blow your mind? When we figure out what that is? Can you tell everything in the next few months is a question mark right now?

So, um..... bye! (ten points if you can name the Muppet movie that's from)

Right on.

2008-11-10T22:46:00.000-08:00

Another of my closest friends and role models, someone who I look up to and aspire to be like when I grow up, put it best today when she said that "this is not a gay rights issue, it's a human rights issue." I'm most energized by the fact that this is calling everyone to fight: gay or straight, married or unmarried, young or old. What I'm saying is: watch this.

Disappointment.

2008-11-06T17:46:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, November 4, 2008 will go down in history as a truly extraordinary day for many reasons. It's one of those days our generation will remember like our parents' do the day JFK was shot, the day Nixon was shot, the day the US landed on the moon, etc. For us it will sit next the OJ Simpson trial, the day Yitzhak Rabin was shot, 9/11, Y2K and others in our memories. But just like the various events on that list, it will be recalled by some as incredibly exciting and happily monumental, while others will know it as the days their dreams were crushed. Again.

Tuesday was an electric day in Chicago; I literally felt the buzz on the streets as everyone waited together to see how the night would turn out. There had been more build up over the last several months for a single event than anything I can remember in a long time (what will we do with our time now??. Because Obama is based in Chicago and his event was held here in Grant Park, the energy was high all day. I was nervous as holy hell but not for the reason you think. Not to pat myself on the pat myself on the back too much or anything, but I thought big O had it in the bag long ago. People kept telling me not to think like that and not to jinx but I had a feeling and as I watched Old Man Republican's numbers fall over the last few weeks I was sure we had nothing to worry about. Call that what you want. I'm not bragging, I'm not saying I'm psychic, I'm just saying I wasn't worried.

Being a Californian with a brain and a gay brother and sense of decency, I was far less sure about a little issue called Prop 8. At first I had a false sense of security (as I think most people did) that we as a state and a country were ready for this. Clearly I have too much faith in people. As it got closer to the vote I started feeling less sure as I heard about more "Yes on 8" support being shown at home, receiving phone calls from their campaign and watching as more and more people reflected their beliefs in Facebook status updates and profile pictures. And sadly, I went 2/2 on Tuesday night as Prop 8 passed with a slight majority of 51% (And by the way, since the all the absentee ballots haven't been counted yet, why are they calling it so early? Is anyone else suspicious of voting absentee after a series of outcomes like this?)

I am horrified and appalled. I spent most of yesterday totally speechless. I can't even comprehend the hatred this brought about. It is absolutely beyond me how anybody can believe they have the right to make this kind of statement. I've heard this argument before, that granting anyone the right to marry requires "the rest of us to change our definition of the word 'marriage'". In what possible way does it affect "the rest of us"? Explain to me how this affects a single person other than those who are currently banned from enjoying equal opportunities. It's the same argument I use for abortion: I'm not suggesting women run out and have abortions for fun, but I fail to see how I get a vote in what a women does with her body. A "civil union" is hardly a fair response as it still draws a line between "us" and "them". It gives "them" something equal so long as it's still separate from "us". Boy, this sounds pretty familiar, doesn't it? Let's see, where have I seen this before...

Waking up Wednesday morning I felt, similarly to many other people, that I was waking up in a new era. It was a moment of relief, joy, excitement and hope, and it lasted all of a minute and a half until I reached for my phone and read a text about the results of Prop 8. It brought my whole mood down and killed the high of the night before. It really was an incredible night (and especially to be in Chicago which was mayhem) and I'm glad to have had a few hours of that. But while everyone continued to celebrate yesterday, I just couldn't get that happy again. And it got worse as I heard about Arkansas and Arizona which passed similar bills (Arkansas went one step further and banned "unmarried couples" from adopting, meaning not only are gay couples not included but perfectly-suited singles as well). It was put best in a report on NPR which questioned when "constitutional amendments starting taking rights away".

So what now? I spoke to one of a very close friend and mentor and one of the most educated people I know who said "I spent most of the day crying and now it's time to fight." Nothing has gotten me so riled up in a very long time and I'm looking into what I can do to help. I know that places like HRC, NCLR and the ACLU have already filed in court and starting organizing efforts to overturn the decision. If anyone has information on how to get involved I'd love to hear it. I know there are people who are upset by how openly and strongly I talk about these issues but I'm not apologizing for holding these beliefs or sharing them. I'm angry and ashamed and willing to work as hard and as long as it takes to fix this.

For anyone who made it this far, I promise a less-political, more-updating post is coming in the next few days. I'm just feeling far-removed from the problem at the moment and there was a lot I needed to say before moving forward. More soon.

Ed: Thanks to the Bro for this which details the legal fight and the grounds on which they're trying to overturn the decision. Really smart, interesting tactic.

Also, I heard someone say yesterday how incredible it is that one election can show us how far we've come and how far we still have to go. I think Ellen puts it well here and here. I don't understand it either.

Quotable Quotes

2008-11-02T12:26:00.001-08:00

Some real gems I've heard lately. Thought you all (both) might like these.

"I do love the Waldorf-Astoria, though. You know, I hear that from the doorstep you can see all the way to the Russian tea room."
-Obama, at the Al Smith Dinner

"My greatest strength is my humility. My greatest weakness is that I am a little too awesome."
-the Big O

First, Wag of the Finger to Apple Computers, which donated $100,000 to battle Proposition 8, the California referendum to end same-sex marriage that will be on the ballot this Tuesday. That's right, Apple is pro-Gay Marriage. So if you own an iPod Touch, you better think about what it's been touching.
-Stephen Colbert, 10/30/08

Over all-crew radios:

Stage Door guy: Stage Door to Front of House

House manager: Go for Front of House

SD: There's a woman on the phone who wants to know if the show includes the abortion from the movie. She's bringing a group of conservatives to see it.

....

HM: um... it's the same as the movie

....

SD: ...10-4
-Cadillac Palace Theatre, 11/2/08

Bill Kristol: I think if the East Coast elites can dish it out they can take it a little bit...You can take it, Jon.
Jon Stewart: Oh, I can certainly take it. I live in New York. Everyone around me agrees with me.
-The Daily Show, 10/30/08

If you were a Zombie I'd totally kill you. That's what real friends would do. I would be sad but I would not even hesitate. I've been preparing for Zombie attacks for a while now. I like to plan escape routes and stuff. I think going on the roof is a good idea.
-Miranda Nolen, 11/1/08

If she wins, I'm done. And by done, I mean I'm leaving Earth.
-Tina Fey on Sarah Palin

Credit where credit is due.

2008-10-28T18:24:00.000-07:00

When I posted the SNL vid last night I saw that there were people reading this blog from places I didn't recognize. Sweet! Then I saw that they'd found it through other people's blogs that I did recognize. Sweeter! I checked the other blogs and realized some people have linked me in their blogs and I want to give props to them. Brahoney and others have me on their lists and I now have them on mine. Thanks, homies!

AVH was here this weekend and it was baller. She caught me up on all the SNL goodness I've been missing out on and she gets points for that. Similarly, we watched Baby Mama and it was even better than I could have wished for. Amy Poehler may have just had a baby but she owns my heart. The weekend was really great. Lots of laughs and adventures and old-timey Jewaiian mischief. Plus we found Yolk, which is the best breakfast place I've had in a long time. More people should follow her lead and come visit me. Even if it's just to go to Yolk (it's THAT good).

I also got some of the pics back from my photo shoot a couple weeks ago. These are only a handful so far, more are coming. I found John on Craigslist, one of those photographer/model swap deals. Basically he gets my images for his portfolio and he gets the experience working with a model and I get free photos. He had explained that he's an amateur looking to get better, but you could have fooled me. Because he shoots digital and uploads them on the spot I got to see them as we were going. I thought the raw images looked great but I was blown away when I saw the retouched images he sent. As I said, there are more coming which I'll use as actual headshots (I'll post those when I get them), but here's a taste. Let me know what you think!

I don't have any Halloween plans yet but I'm thinking about possible costume ideas. So if you have any suggestions let me know. I know you've all wanted to see me as
Sexy Doctor, Sexy Pirate and Sexy Cop and this is your chance. Tranny, Priest, Flungus and this will not be entertained, so don't ask. Happy, safe, fun Halloween, everyone!

ALL THE MAV'RICKS IN THA HOUSE PUTCHA HANDS UP

2008-10-27T21:36:00.000-07:00

my country tis of thee/
from my house i can see/
RUSSIA AND SUCH

Craziness.

2008-10-23T15:04:00.000-07:00

I know, I know. It's been forever since I posted and I'm sorry. Between 9000 Jewish Holidays and Opening Night and moving it's been just a little busy.

Oh yeah, I did find time to learn how to do this. Pretty sweet huh?

Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur, Sukkot:
I wrote some about the first few. Ro was still here and we made do with what we had (both literally and synagogue-wise...) but it was really great to be together for those. I didn't get to spend Sukkot and Simchat Torah the way I wanted or am used to and I'm not happy about that. I really can't wait to be able to spend all these holidays the way I did growing up because they're all important to me and I hate having to do other things in place of them.

Opening:
Two words: IT HAPPENED. We got everything done, the displays were up and not falling apart, my staff did a great job and there was an after-party. With two open bars. Needless to say, it was a very fun, very late night.

Thursday of last week was also when our credit card machines went down. Long story short (and by short I mean it's a week later and I still only have one working...) they're sending new ones and I'm still losing sleep over this mess. Good times.

Moving:
I moved! Into a new apartment! That's big and beautiful and open and a luxury loft and WAY cheaper than my other place. It's a furnished sublet and everything worked out perfectly and it's super cheap compared with what I was paying. She needs to be out of the place exactly as long as I need to be in it. It's pretty close to the theatre and did I mention it's saving me a ton of money?? Plus the building is new and edgy and the hallways look like this and this. The building also has a sweet gym that I'm using and she ahs cable TV, fast internet and awesome views. It's a sweet deal and I'm stoked. More pictures will come when I have a free second to take them.

That's about it for now. Coming up in the next few weeks are visits from AVH, MRocc and Dwiz, and hopefully my fam. More news as it happens!

It's 10 O'clock and my sins have been erased. Do you know where your sins are?

2008-10-10T17:05:00.000-07:00

On this very special edition of FanMale:

Brian left me a delightful comment on my last real post and it was so beautiful it just brought tears to my eyes. "You're witty. Do me in-" well, that's enough. Suffice it to say that when a man (me) and a woman (Brahoney) love each very much, the state tries to take away our rights. Some people even think the next step is people wanting to marry animals, which is just ludicrous. The world just isn't ready for our love, B.

In other REAL news, this week was Yom Kippur and R and I went to shul at Central Synagogue of Chicago which is celebrating their 120th anniversary this year. Services were lackluster and pretty boring which is unfortunate since high holiday services are already so long. If the congregation and the rabbi and chazzan are good, I really like high holiday services and especialy Yom Kippur. It was really a shame that these weren't good. But we repented and reflected and shed some guilt and then started the year off right with break fast at The Cheesecake Factory. It's no Olive Garden but it was good.

Work is going pretty well. I've been working like a busy little bee (I'd like to order THAT Busy Bee) and stuff is happening. Lots of deliveries and inventory and managerial things. And making up for all the sleep I've lost over the last... 20 years, or so. Rough life, eh? Can't complain too much. I'm starting to settle into a routine and it's nice to finally have that.

Oh, and I found Pearl Tea today! So all is right in the world. That's about all I've got right now. Remember to keep Pho365ing!

Like Herpes. For positive.

2008-10-07T19:58:00.001-07:00

Because it's awesome:

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Because she's awesome:

[post]

2008-10-06T23:32:00.000-07:00

Some people have asked me where the fun links came from on this, my Blog (that image came up when I searched "fun" and it is!). I'll tell you, gentle reader. From a magical land called [tos]. I'm not going to get all preachy or fan-crazy so don't worry, Dwayne Mann. I will, however, say that it's one of the funniest shows I've ever seen on the Bway. People like to get all teary-eyed and emotional about how much it touched them and how inspiring it is and blah blah. If that's what it did for you, more power to you. Yeah, it has a great message and it is empowering and it does make me want to face my demons and conquer my fears and tackle my dreams or whatever those cliches are. But for the most part I just think it's hilarious. They have a sweet blog which makes me laugh daily and some even sweeter YouTube videos which make me sides hurt. They're closing this week and it's sad but I'm not distraught like some folk. I just wanted to give them a nod before they go since it's one of my current favorite things. Go see the show this week because it's fun and you'll enjoy it. And then go back and read some of their blog because these links came from this and that makes me do this.

And God said, Let there be a post, and He saw that it was good.

2008-10-03T08:46:00.000-07:00

And now for some FanMail:

Anna, in her sweet and loving way, commented a while back: "This is good, but not an update about your life." Too true, reader. I've been just a little busy. So here it is. Your full update. Going back to the last time I updated for real. Which is... Sept 20 when I first got here. That's not so bad, right? About a week and a half? That's bad. I know it. I'll try and do better. I'M SORRY, OK??!

I realize I didn't talk much about Toronto so we'll start back with that. Overall I'm really glad I got to spend time there. As I talked about it was a little lonely but it made me realize that I'm in for a year of that and getting used to it early was helpful. Yes, a million and a half friends are coming to visit and I'll (hopefully) make new friends with the show but it's still me on my own for a lot of the time. The city really is pretty incredible, with very different pockets and neighborhoods all over. I had a great time just wandering and exploring and though there were areas I still didn't get to see I covered a good amount of ground and really enjoyed it. I was also working quite a bit. I got in on a Wednesday and after, checking in, I went right to the theatre to get started. It was the first time being back on an 8-show schedule in a long time so it took some readjusting. They also work a LOT more during the show than we Aracans are used to. They show up at 5 or 5:30 for an 8pm show (3 hours!) and there's almost no down time the whole night. This means working almost straight from 5-11:30 every night. Matinee days I'd get there by 11:30 and work till 11:30. I do mean WORK UNTIL. (Funny story: I texted a bunch of people that I was exhausted after working 12 hours and Nicole Corrales wrote back that she understands because she worked 12 hours also. It was then that I remember that I'm not building houses so I needed to shut up.) Partly they do everything a lot slower and more carefully than we did in New York (counting the booth in particular) but it had also just been a long time since I'd worked on a booth with no POS. Major shift. How spoiled I was there... The staff was all really, really great and very helpful with everything about the show, the merchandise, our company, etc and also directions in the city, where to go, what to avoid, etc. I had a lot of fun with them and I'll miss them all. Possibly the most exciting part of Toronto: the hot dog carts have veggie dogs. They were amazing and eating a hot dog on the street made me feel like part of the cool kids.

Chicago! It's been pretty great so far. Busy, tiring, cold (the last few days). But great. The theatre is ENORMOUS. 2200 seats in this place. That's 2.2 Spangenburgs. That's 3.5 times Lucie Stern and MVCPA together. That's the Gershwin plus the Delacorte. Have I given examples for all the groups of people reading this? It's big, people. I spent the first week doing constant set up. Four 12-hour days in the first week and many extra hours here and there just getting ready to start. We have three full booths and two program booths (they will eventually be Cash 1 and 2 just like at the Wick, for now they are combined to make a fourth cash-only booth with the full product line). I have a storage closet on the main floor right off the lobby where all the small stuff is kept and an office they built for us as storage and office space down in the basement. I call it the Sweat Lodge since it's a plywood shack next to the Band Room and the exhaust from the stage mechanics empties into my office so it's loud and a toasty 487.9 degrees F. No, it's great for what it is and pretty amazing that they built us space. It has shelves built right into the walls and what I'm using as a desk and top shelf also built in. I have great internet and a phone and a printer and I'm happy to have some place to go and chill out (pardon the pun) during the show. We had our first preview Sunday afternoon to a nearly sold-out house and did HUGE sales. It was busy the whole time and everyone jumped in real fast. This week has been slower but still steady and I think it will pick up over the weekend. And by the way, a mediocre house count is 1600. Wrap your small-minded New York heads around that, Broadway.

Other than that, Roneet is here but don't get excited. She's leaving. For a while. She'll be back. We have another two weeks as the Dynamic Duo (What did you call us? Heterosexual life partners? We're working on it...) It's been great to spend time together again especially since we're living in very close quarters. Each morning I wake up with less and less bed. She unfolds pretty incredibly for such a small person. Good thing we do well in tight spaces. Yesterday we went to see The Bean. It was incredible. Go see it. Or rather, come here and see it with me.

And now for some more FanMail. Miranda Nicole Nolen posted this long ago: "Why don't you ever write about me in your blog? WHAT ABOUT THE MICROPHONES? I thought we were friends..." So true. I realize I never talked about my time at home (before the creation of this blog). So here's a little bit of that.

I got to spend three weeks at home before I left for this adventure and it couldn't have been better. Some of my friends were home, many were not. But the only two I really ever need are Randi and Paula. They make my life complete. And I got to spend tons of time with them both. Paula and I had many adventures to far off lands like the beach at Half-Moon Bay, the bars at Pasta? and NOLAs, Haagen-Dazs and Hobee's. I miss her and think about her every day and I can't wait till she comes to vist. Randi and I will someday take over the world and we're always right. If we take time out of our busy lives to give you an opinion you should listen to it. It'll be a good one. It will change your life. But that don' mean we homies. Randi came with me to see Spring Awakening in San Francisco and though it was some of the worst acting I've ever had to sit through, the music was amazing again and the cast has great voices. Randi's favorite part was when they WHIPPED out microphones from their pockets and made decidedly angsty transitions into singing. And then back again. This never stopped making Randi laugh. Out loud. In the quiet theatre. Which in turn made me laugh. This is what Randi I do best. Make each other laugh. I miss her daily as well and sometimes we'll call each other just talk about the terrible choices our friends are making and why we're superior. We're bad people and we know it. But if the world listened to us we wouldn't have to make fun of you all.

That's about it for now. Write in your comments and questions and I'll answer them in another edition of FanMail. I need a theme song for that...

I SWEAR an update is coming later tonight.

2008-10-01T12:44:00.001-07:00

For now, these things make me laugh.

See more Kristin Chenoweth videos at Funny or Die

One more!

2008-09-29T10:46:00.000-07:00

Too funny!

Shana Tova!

2008-09-29T08:57:00.001-07:00

I know, I know. It's not a real post (Anna, please don't kill me). I promise that's coming very, very soon. Maybe even later today. For now, it's that time of year and that means only one thing... YouTube! Shana Tova to everyone who knows what that means. I hope it's a fun, safe and rewarding new year. Enjoy this as much as I do. Every time I see it.

Don't be the crack spider's bitch.

2008-09-24T21:44:00.001-07:00

He sounds best on the Law & Order theme song.

2008-09-21T20:01:00.001-07:00

I promise a real update is coming soon. Lots to write about. Until then, I really liked this a lot. I want to be him when I grow up.

Chi-town at last.

2008-09-20T21:46:00.000-07:00

All right, I made it to Chicago. The final tally was Wicked ads: 6, Dirty Dancing ads: 11, ABC new season ads: 94 million. That was just on the ride from the airport. Seriously, we get it. Go to the theatre but only when we're not watching TV. Check.

The airport is super nice. It's a pretty big studio; feels more like a one bedroom even though living room/dining room/office/bedroom are all in the same room. There's a fully-stocked kitchen with full-size appliances, walk-in closet, full bathroom and balcony with a great view. Plus free cable and high-speed! How I missed thee, internet. Top floor of the building has a laundry room, 24-hour fitness center, full-size pool and sundeck. Suh-weet! And there's a Whole Foods about 100 feet from my front door and a Trader Joes three blocks down. Score.

Toronto overall was pretty awesome, it got a little less lonely after I last posted. I went out after work on Thursday with Kelly who was helping to train me for merch and some of the ushers and had a really great, mildly-drunken good time. In the next few days I'll post some more details about what I was doing in TO and what will be happening here in Chicago. For now, here are some of the pictures from Canadia.

Some shots of the beautiful Royal Alexandra Theatre on King Street, home of Dirty Dancing.

Crazy, crazy Honest Ed's. A massive bargain store with several floors, two building connected by a bridge, alcoves off of alcoves off of half-floors next to secret stairways. It was started by the man who first cultivated and funded the theatre scene in Toronto and his family's company still operates most of the theatres. The store is full of theatre memorabilia, old show posters, props and scenery from shows, signed photos, etc. Pretty amazing. And incredibly overwhelming.

I found the restaurants!

And the beautiful JCC.

As promised, the Royal Ontario Museum (ROM).

Filming Canadian TV.

I never got a clear answer for what this is but it's a focal point on the Toronto skyline and people kept pointing it out to me. At night when it's all lit up it looks pretty amazing.

A better view of this statue.

I swear I was there for work!

Out with the RAT kids.

A better view of the Toronto Eaton Center.

Downtown is COVERED in DD ads.

And some other photos I like.

I can see Russia from my house!

2008-09-18T14:50:00.000-07:00

If you haven't seen this yet you haven't lived. Amazing.

Hm.

2008-09-16T21:21:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling contemplative today (yesterday). I go through these phases. I get all excited and guns-blazin' ready to do something and think "this will finally make me settle down and be content for once" and then it just doesn't quite do that. I'm not sad or upset or disappointed just... melancholy? It's great being here in Toronto and starting this new chapter of my life and seeing the world and all that. But still I wish I knew people here. Or had someone here with me to spend time with. Or made friends easier. Or just asked people I'm seeing every day to hang out. Truth be told I'm spending most of time during the day asleep since I'm still getting (re)used to an 8-show schedule. But I had Sunday night and all of yesterday off and I wish I had someone to spend the time with.

It wasn't a waste of a day at all, however. I got my ass out of bed and went to the main shopping area near my hotel (nearish downtown Toronto) and just walked around all day. It was actually kind of freeing to be totally on my own and have no rules or restrictions on time, money, distance, when or what to eat, where to go next... The mall is huge and beautiful and aside from a lot of American stores which I've shopped a million times, there was plenty that was distinctly un-American to keep me interested for hours.

I'm shopping for a new digital camera and comparing prices and features in 6 different stores gave me a purpose and a mission and I was using all my lifelines back in the States to help out. After hours of malling, I came back to my room and rested for a bit (all that shopping is exhausting!) and then thought I'd head down to the restaurant in the hotel lobby for some pricy and delicious eats. The menu in the lobby says they're open till 11. Apparently that means the bar and "you can order some of this stuff over there." Interesting, since "some of this stuff" is the exact room-service menu. So I had an impromptu adventure in search of dinner.

Toronto (or at least the part I've seen so far) seems to be lacking restaurants. They have little places to grab a pretty wide array of cuisines from around the world but very few places to just sit and order dinner. Everything seems to be a hole-in-the-wall take-out place as opposed to an eatery or cafe. I wasn't terribly hungry and it's a good thing because I walked for 2.5 hours ostensibly looking for something to eat. I ended up half a block from my hotel hours later at a place the front desk had recommended and I had passed by figuring I'd find something better. The walk was great actually. I got to see a lot more of the city including some places I'd been told to check out and a few things I loved so much I'm hoping to find again to take pictures when I get a camera.
Like the ROM:

this Lamborghini supported only by four teacups (the validity of this is in question):
and the University of Toronto which has a great campus from what I could see at night:
My hotel is near Dundas and University and Eaton Center is at Dundas and Yonge. My walking tour of downtown went from my hotel down Dundas to Yonge, up Yonge to Bloor, across Bloor to Spadina and back down Dundas. Pretty good, right?!

View Larger Map
The front desk had given me a map and I checked it subtly so I didn't look too much of a tourist (the things you learn living in New York, eh?). It was a really nice night and I'm glad I got out of my room some more.

Today I wasted another day sleeping till mid-afternoon and then it was back to the theatre to learn about starting up a new week of sales. This is when my introspective mood started. I realized that, above all, I'm really ready to get to Chicago and get started. It still feels a little fake to me. Like I'm on vacation and eventually I'll be heading back to my apartment, my friends, my job, my classes and my life in New York. I think this has to do with staying in a hotel and feeling like I'm in transition. I know that the rest of this year will feel like that to some extent but even with all the billion things I've planned and packed in preparation for this, the feelings and moods can't be anticipated.

It goes to something bigger in my life: I always feel like I'm in transition. I rarely feel settled. Each year of school is spent preparing for the next which will lead to graduation. I spend every activity watching the clock waiting to run to the next thing I have lined up which I will undoubtedly waste by waiting for that to end as well. I had this job lined up for a while so I spent the summer waiting to be done and get going. It's a cycle and it doesn't end easily. I feel like I'm always running, always preparing, always waiting. I want so badly to feel settled and the irony is I actually started to feel that this summer. Even while anticipating leaving for a year (and maybe in spite of myself a bit), I got really comfortable with my life and most of all, my friends. I miss you all and think about you all every day I'm away and so far that's only been a month.

Eventually I hope I'll get better at dealing with the restlessness or maybe someday I will settle down. For now I'm on my own and waiting.

Things I've Learned about Canadia

2008-09-13T14:42:00.000-07:00

(Or at least Toronto.)

I now know these to be entirely true, beyond the shadow of a doubt, and completely factual.

1. Everyone is nice.
2. Everything sounds more comforting, friendly and supportive in Canadian.
3. Everyone is a well-dressed female, well-dressed metrosexual straight male or well-dressed gay male. Seriously. Walking down the street is like being in a fashion show. And I'm losing.
4. When show says it will start promptly at 8, IT WILL START PROMPTLY AT 8.
5. Monopoly money now has real value. Who knew?
6. Jay-walking can only happen on certain streets at certain times of the day and if you don't know what they are you will look like a fool. Just stay on the curb.
7. Everything is expensive.
8. You can trick yourself into thinking everything is less expensive because of the exchange rate.
9. No one honors the exchange rate and values $1=1CAD.
10. Asking for more ice in your luke-warm, ice-free Iced Coffee is consider strange.
11. Canadian hotel housekeeping REALLY WANTS TO CLEAN YOUR ROOM AREYOUREADYYET???
12. There is no free wifi.
13. Wifi is really expensive.
14. Expensive wifi should be used as little as possi

Ahoy, ay!

2008-09-10T11:39:00.000-07:00

No one in Canada says "ahoy" and I'm not sure why I seem to think they do but that's what you get. I'm in Canadia! Toronto, to be exact. I'm here for ten days to train at the production of Dirty Dancing playing here. I spent two lovely days in New York and it was mighty weird being back in the city. It felt like I hadn't been gone any time at all and simultaneously like I'd been gone forever. It was so good to see everyone even though the trip was much to short. Highlights:

Asian Pub: I had a goodbye party at Cooper 37.5 and a great group of people showed up! I admit I was worried no one would and I was proven so wrong. I really have the best friends in the world (on both coasts, by the way. I haven't gone on and on about my incredible buds in California but I really don't know what I'd do without them.) and I got some awesome cards and the most incredible scrapbook ever.

Plus I did my first Sake Bomb (and then my second). Definitely a high point of the night. Look at that focus!

I couldn't have asked for a better send-0ff and I thank everyone who made it so great.

Actual last day- slept it, met with Joey and Chris at the new (awesome) office, lunch with my dear betrothed which is the best part of any trip, hung with the Hawaiian, saw the funniest show on Earth (more on that another time), then Fall Off the Porch Iced Teas and Trainwreck Fries at Virgil's with Mick, Erin, Heather and Aislinn. Stumbled home, talked until some ungodly hour with those fools and finally crashed.

This morning- Man, it already feels like days ago. BCurl graciously offered to drive me to airport and after we clarified which airport I needed as he was pulling off on the exit for the wrong airport... I made it with plenty of time to spare. I checked in with LAN Airlines (fake), she weighed my bag (4 pounds over the US limit, if you recall) and it came up a healthy 25.2 kg (...what?) which apparently is A-OK for the nations of Mexico and Canadia. Got myself some coffee and breakfast and grew old waiting in line for security. The plane itself was incredible. Huge and really comfortable and plus the seat next to me was empty. In-flight entertainment system at every seat so I watched an episode of House and slept for a little bit. The flight was really, really short and next thing I knew: Canadia. So after a $52 cab ride, I made it to the hotel and here we are. In a little while I'm going over to the theatre for my first night of work. Exciting! Terrifying! Exclamations!

Just a quick shout-out for... myself. Remember, all you devoted readers (Roneet), AVH and I are blogging pictorially over at Pho365 and we've been stickin' to it! You all (her sister) thought we couldn't do it but we are right on track (after the past two days of silence). Check up on that for more info on what I'm doing. And if you have a camera I can use for that, send it on over to Toronto. Later!

Math sucks.

2008-09-08T05:57:00.000-07:00

Here I sit, in the Norman Y Minetta San Jose International (flights to Mexico only) Airport and I thought I'd share my overwhelming joy with you all. I'll channel my bliss into a quiz (who doesn't love quizzes!). Strap on your smarty-pants and away we go!

Elie's bag was overweight by how much?
a. 20 pounds (pack less, clothes horse!)
b. 10 pounds (it happens)
c. 4 pounds (does this even count as overweight?)
d. 20 pounds under (Elie packs like a Rahamim)

Correct answer: C

Elie was charged how much for being 4 pounds over the limit?
a. $1
b. $5
c. $25
d. $50

Correct answer: D, which works out to $12.50/lb. My luggage is mediocre salmon.

Elie has, so far on the trip, paid how much less than in fees than the price of his original ticket?
(eg. price of ticket - total cost of airport fees = ?)
a. $225: $25 in fees (A-okay!)
b. $200: $50 in fees (understandable)
c. $50: $200 in fees (&*$%@#)
d. what was the question?

Correct answer: C. That's right, almost $200 in fees. I'm not talking transportation or airport food or magazines or keychains from the giftshop. We're talking EXTRA CHARGES. But worry not, I haven't yet been charged the "Breathing Too Much Oxygen in the Airport Fee" yet so we could still balance out to a nice round 0. I quit flying.

The time has come, the walrus said.

2008-09-07T19:39:00.000-07:00

It's finally here. Tomorrow morning I'm off. I've been thinking about this for months, planning and anticipating what it would feel like. I thought I'd be overcome with excitement, ready to run onto the plane and explore everything new. I am those things but more than anything I'm nervous as all hell. I've had a butterflies-in-my-stomach anxious feeling for the last week that I haven't been able to shake and it's only gotten worse the later this day gets. I know that I don't handle change well. I've had so much of it at so many points in my life that I'm surprised it's still so hard for me. I'm always irrationally nervous before anything new. It's stupid middle school fears: what if I don't make any friends, what if I don't know where to go or what to do, what if I screw up? Knowing that they're irrational doesn't help to assuage them at all. So while I do so much appreciate everyone's reassurances and good wishes, I get it. I know it will be fine. I just have to freak out a little, get there and see it for myself. Don't get me wrong, I am way psyched. There's just a lot else going on as well. Thanks for everyone who's been there to help me out the last few weeks. You all are the bomb diggity.

Things I found in the garage today:

2008-09-04T16:54:00.001-07:00

-baseball hat I've been trying to find for over a year
-clothes I haven't worn since high school that still fit and are awesome
-dad's very old, very expensive film camera (thank god it's not lost like I thought...)
-high school year books
-picture of me in drag from choir show (you will never see it, don't even ask)
-picture of Bill Liberatore in drag from choir show (I'll definitely show you this one)
-Life magazine featuring Rent movie cast on cover (wtf?)
-ever piece of homework I ever did in elementary school
-old Penthouse I used to keep under my bed (for the articles)
-first edition Wicked souvenir program (gross)

Thoughts on time and life

2008-09-04T00:01:00.000-07:00

"New York is all about what could be,” says David Cloyd, a 34-year-old musician who moved to the city from Austin ten years ago. “You know: The potential. The possibilities.” He’s echoing, of course, the aspirational mantra that’s lured a million hopeful dreamers to New York before him. And in exchange for this promise of limitless possibility, this tantalizing what-could-be, New York requires of these dreamers that they pursue two simultaneous lives: the romantic, invigorating, spectacular life you imagine for yourself, and the expensive, often dispiriting, intermittently grueling day-to-day life you have to lead in order to keep that dream life alive. This is exhilarating. This is exhausting. This is what New York is all about...Living in New York may be more expensive than ever, but let’s face it, it’s always been hard. That, oddly, is part of its appeal. You test yourself against the stresses of the city. If it’s not the expense, it’s the overcrowding. If not the overcrowding, then the crime. If not the crime, then the tension, or the roaches, or the smells, or the guy screaming obscenities at you for no reason on the stifling subway platform while you wait for a train that’s jam-packed and twenty minutes late...But the problem is, you can’t simply leave New York—you have to quit New York. You have to admit to yourself and the world that you’re packing it in, calling it a day, turning out the lights. You have to walk away from, as Joan Didion put it, “the sense, so peculiar to New York, that something extraordinary would happen any minute, any day, any month.” (It should be noted she wrote that in an essay about her decision to leave New York.)"
http://nymag.com/realestate/features/49491/

I read this article in NY Mag today about people who move away from the city and are much happier for it. I think it's the best I've ever heard it put into words. I've said since I moved to the city for school that it is not in any way an easy place to live. It is immensely difficult, in fact, to just make it through the day, let alone the week and, god-forbid, the month. And yet when people ask how I like living there I explain without any hesitation how much I love it. That's exactly the two-faced nature of living there: it breaks you down while building up the expectation that something is coming. Something big will happen for me if I stick it out long enough. It's painful and difficult and upsetting and we do it year after year.

I had lunch with Erica today and while it was great to see her it got me thinking a lot about where I am in life, what I'm looking forward to in the next few months and where I want to be in life. First, I met her at SF State and seeing the campus buzzing made me realize for the first time that I'm not going back to school. So far I've been away as long as any Summer vacation and only now would I be starting back. Don't get me wrong, I'm so glad to be done I want to scream from the roof. It's just starting to set in that I have to show up for my big boy job, be responsible for paying bills and start planning for a future I'm still unsure of. It was a big moment.

We also talked a lot about not knowing where we want to be in life, what we want to focus on and pursue, what the next step should be, etc. I've known all along that I don't want to be selling (or even managing merch for the rest of my life) but it hit me that being away for a year is delaying starting to either audition or work in marketing. I know this sounds ridiculous being as I'm 22 and have the rest of my life and as many career changes as I want ahead of me. Still, I just feel so ready to jump into the real world and I don't have any idea how or where. I do appreciate that I can put off major decisions like these for that year and decide what to do when this is over. It's been a pensive day and I'm exhausted. More tomorrow.

Welcome back, Kotter.

2008-09-01T18:16:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy weekend and I kept meaning to post but I just didn't get around to it. Until now. Feels good to be back. I've been spending a lot of time getting things in order to leave (one week from today!) and I still feel like I have so much to do. I'm tapping both parents for as much as I can get while I'm still poor and they're still offering. Computer accessories, DVDs, clothing, new watch, DVDs, new wallet, DVDs... all the essentials. Our washing machine has never worked so hard in such a short amount of time because let's face it: I own too much stuff. I've also been spending a lot of time with old friends which is great because I don't get to see them enough anymore. Last week I went to Gunn High School to see all my old teachers which I do every time I come home. It was great to catch up with them and stalk others through tinted glass while class was in session (here's lookin at you, Goss). It's been a whirlwind trip so far but relaxing as well.

Last night I saw The Dark Knight for the third time. My folks still hadn't seen it and I was happy to go again. In a related story, Rasputin Records had the 2-disc special edition Batman Begins for $10. Coincidence? I believe not. I believe in Harvey Dent.

In more important news, today marks the launch of my second blog. I've been bitten by the blog bug (blug? [sidenote: I searched "blug" to find something witty to put as that link and this came up. Don't say I never gave you anything, Brahoney]). Aislinn Hernandez and I have started Phototally[365], a blog where we will each take a picture every day for a year. I will commit! Take a hop over there and let us know what you think. For now, good day and good mental health (ten points for the reference, anybody?)

The Political Post

2008-08-28T11:44:00.000-07:00

I'm not usually all that political. I definitely have my beliefs and I feel pretty strongly about certain things which I feel are basic human rights and shouldn't be wrapped up in politics at all actually (pro-Gay marriage, pro-choice, pro-stem cell research, etc) and often I keep these views to myself. I tend to be pretty quiet when it comes to these issues because I mostly feel very ignorant about anything everything political. Whenever I find myself in a conversation about the candidates, the campaigns, what they stand for, what they've done in the past... I realize how little I know and how little I have to say on these topics. And that makes me wonder. I consider myself to be a pretty intelligent person, I try to keep up on current events and what's happening in the world, I watch debates and major events, I read the news relatively often (not as often as I'd like). And yet I still feel like I don't know enough to make any definitive statements or join the conversation.

That's why I plan to keep this entirely politics-free with no mention of who I plan to vote for or how I personally feel. That's right, there will be no mention of who I support.

I've been keeping up on the DNC this week and it's helping to make me feel more in-the-know. I thought Michelle Obama spoke beautifully and, similar to Joe Biden, spoke very comfortably. Neither one sounded like they were delivering a speech and I appreciate that quality in certain politicians and actors. Beau Biden's introduction for his father was simliary heartfelt and very moving. I like what both Clintons had to say as well, though both sounded very much like speeches.

As a concept I don't particularly like the conventions. I think they very much like preaching to the choir. Every speaker is addressing the people who voted for them and trying rather hard to convince the already-convinced of their plans and beliefs. However, and I remember feeling the same way after Obama spoke at the 2004 DNC, there's something reassuring about it. I don't really understand or like the delegate system and I think it's incredibly outdated and elitist. But I do understand the emotion and the respect the thousands of attendees feel when these leaders address them.

So while I can't comment more specifically on anyone's voting record or positions or who and what they've helped to bring about, I do appreciate the people with whom they surround themselves. I have a lot of respect for the Obamas and the Bidens and even the Clintons. When I learn more about why I'll let you know. I look forward to Obama's speech tonight and I'm open to anyone who has suggestions or reccomendations for blogs, websites, articles, books, etc. that might help me feel more aware.

Until then, there's always this:

EB: 1, Procrastination: 100

2008-08-27T16:43:00.000-07:00

Previously on Elie's blog:

"My goal (this blog will have a lot of goals) will be to have finished the paper by the next time I write. Lofty, you say? Very, I say."

DONE, I SAY. Suck on that. I totally nailed it. (In fairness, it was almost a month before I finally sat down and did it, but still it's done.) I'm now just waiting on my prof to check it and grade it and send rewrite requests or turn in a final grade and then I'll finally be done with college. For the love of Jesus, I'm so excited I want to cry.

Not too much new since the other day. Today Paula and I went to the beach in Half Moon Bay and it was hot and sunny and excellent. I like to pretend that I'm a Cali beach bum when I'm home but I can't even stand when people call it "Cali" so I'm a total fraud. But I do love beaching when I get the chance and I got quite a bit this Summer so I'm a happy camper at the moment.

Big reveal for the day: I'm starting a business. Aislinn Hernandez and I are going into business together. Media Edge Studios is the name and we will be marketing/graphic design/branding gurus and make billions of dollars in our first six months just like every new business (new goal). More info will be coming shortly, but for now feast your eyes on this beauty: BEAUTY. When asked her opinion on this, Aislinn responded "I think it is sweet. I think we are sweet. I think this is sweet. I think the earth is sweet." Wise words.

That's all for now. More coming in the next few days. Wordup.

And so it begins...

2008-08-25T15:10:00.000-07:00

So I've been reading several blogs lately and thinking about what they are and who is writing them. Mostly I end up thinking "these people have nothing particularly interesting to say and I bet no one is reading this. Except me." And since I have nothing interesting to say and I'm sure no one will read this regularly I thought "why not start one of my own!". So here we are. In truth, most people have asked for updates on the tour and my job and my life over the next year and it's easier to make you do all the work if you want to know. I've never been great about journaling or updating status with any regularity or keeping in touch with people so this is a bit of a gamble. But it's time to turn over a new leaf and no one asked for your negativity anyway, okay??!

The update thus far:

1. College: done! Almost! I still have this one last class to finish up. What's standing in my way of true graduation and a diploma to prove it, you ask? A final semester? A term paper? A summer course? No, my ADD. I have one tiny, super-easy paper to finish up and I'm... well, I'm blogging. I just am not doing it. My goal (this blog will have a lot of goals) will be to have finished the paper by the next time I write. Lofty, you say? Very, I say.

2. Summer: I was interning at 8020 Publishing which is the parent company of JPG and Everywhere Magazines (check 'em out). It's a great company with a really innovative business model and I had a great time working with them in the New York office this summer. I was hired as the Marketing/Ad Sales intern (the NY office is devoted to selling advertising space and getting content sponsors for the magazines) and ended up doing graphic design almost exclusively. It was great to spend some time playing around with that and using those skills which I haven't had time to do in a while. It was great for my portfolio and my resume and I had a blast working with some great people.

I was also lucky enough to get to work with the awesome kids at Improbable Fiction and I couldn't have asked for a better time. Happy Hour, Plays About Drinking was our fun little skit and I miss doing the show and everyone in it terribly (fun little skit=Equity Showcase). I really don't how I got the chance to be in the company of some of the most talented people I've ever met but to get to hang out, drink and laugh with them just pushed it over the edge. Plus I was crowned King Supreme in our nightly Asshole Cardgame Showdown Extragavaganza 2008 which makes me awesome. Word up to the HH crew. (Please do yourself a favor and watch this right now. Sup, MThom!)

This summer was also the first time I took professional voice lessons from the greatest superhero on Earth, The One and Only Susan Eichhorn. There are no words for what she did for my voice and confidence and I can't wait for this year to be over so I can work with her again.

The last most important part of the summer was getting to chill with the Fantastic (Fabulous, gays?) Foursome that was HJ BM BC and EB. We laughed, we cried, we screamed (and screamed and screamed and screamed TGASM...), we drank (oh, how we drank), we movied, we beached, we Viewed, and we awesomed (it'll catch on). I miss them already and I will think of them every time I No-No.

3. New Job: Here's the deal. I was recently hired (recently official, anyway) as the Merchandise Manager for the Dirty Dancing US "Tour". I say "tour" because it's tour-ish. I say tour-ish because we're not so much tour"ing" as sit"ting" down in three cities over the next year. Here's what I know so far:

Toronto Sept 10-Sept 20: I'll be in Toronto for training for ten days, selling part of the time, learning to manage part of the time and being in Canada for the first time all of the time.
Chicago Sept 21-Januaryish: I'll be in Chicago with the first leg of the tour getting used to everything and hanging out with all the many people who have already made plans to visit. If you're not among that group, make plans right now.
January some point-some time in May: Boston. Clearly this is wholly worked out and ready to go.
Sometime after that-till sometime even farther after that which is roughly Summerish 2009: Los Angeles. These dates are definite.

More details will be coming in the next few weeks and there will be updates aplenty as those come through. I'm so excited to do this and get out in the world and see places I've never seen before and do things I've never done before. Plus put some money away for a rainy day when I need to buy... umbrellas (I never really got that saying).

4. California: I'm home now and it's warm (but not too warm), relaxing (but not too relaxing) and fun (but not too sunburnt). That's right, New Yorkers. There is no humidity at all, suckas. Enjoy your melting!

5. MES: I'm not revealing this yet but I'm mondo excited about it and you will be too. When I say so. Your time will come...

I guess that's the scoop for now. Props to AVH for my kicky header (which I tweaked a bit) and which you will soon see more prominently displayed... Hm, what ever could that mean? Stay tuned!